"Reactive Attachment Disorder is a rare but serious condition in which infants and young children don't establish healthy bonds with parents or caregivers. A child with reactive attachment disorder is typically neglected, abused or orphaned. Reactive attachment disorder develops because the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met and loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may permanently change the child's growing brain, hurting the ability to establish future relationships. Reactive attachment disorder is a lifelong condition, but with treatment children can develop more stable and healthy relationships with caregivers and others. Safe and proven treatments for reactive attachment disorder include psychological counseling and parent or caregiver education."
Definition from the Mayo Clinic
"Attachment disorder affects all aspect of a child's functioning. A child may display some combination of the following primary symptoms: Behavior: oppositional and defiant, impulsive, destructive, lie and steal, aggressive and abusive, hyperactive, self-destructive, cruel to animals, irresponsible, fire setting. Emotions: intense anger and temper, sad, depressed and hopeless, moody, fearful and anxious (although often hidden), irritable, inappropriate emotional reactions. Thoughts: negative beliefs about self, relationships, and life in general ("negative working model"), lack of cause-and-effect thinking, attention and learning problems. Relationships: lacks trust, controlling ("bossy"), manipulative, does not give or receive genuine affection and love, indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, unstable peer relationships, blames others for own mistakes or problems, victimizes others/victimized. Physical: poor hygiene, tactilely defensive, enuresis and encopresis, accident prone, high pain tolerance, genetic predispositions (e.g., depression, hyperactivity). Moral/Spiritual: lack of faith, compassion, remorse, meaning and other prosocial values, identification with evil and the dark side of life."
Definition from Attachment Experts
One of the hardest parts of dealing with the fact that Makenzie has an attachment disorder is the shame. The feeling that if I was somehow a better mother she would snap out of it. The shame in having my child reject me over and over. The shame in knowing that some days I dread what she is going to do. That I sometimes wish I could get away from it. That I sometimes want (need really) a few hours away from her, not all the kids mimd you - that would be normal - just from her. That I have no idea how to include her or how to make her feel part of the group. That I rarely know what hes needs or how to help her. That sometimes I just don't have the energy to try. The feeling that no one else has ever felt this way. The feeling that I cannot enjoy the good moments because I am so busy being afraid of when things go bad. The feeling of anger that bubbles up inside when my child gives big smiles to someone else while she shoots me dirty looks. The embarrassment that comes when she start screaming for what appears to be no reason at all and there is NOTHING I can do to help.
That and the pure loneliness in it. When I first started coming to terms with this I felt SO ALONE. Utterly and completely alone. It took awhile for me to find a few good sites that have allowed me contact with other moms (and dads) who have kids with this same issue. And until I did I was afraid to admit this was the problem. Afraid to tell anyone how I felt or what I struggled with. So, I tried to hide it. I didn't talk about it. I was embarrassed and flustered and overwhelmed all the time.
For me writing helps get it out. It gives me somewhere to put the anger, frustration, sadness and then I don't have to carry it around with me anymore. So, when I finally started admitting the problem we have I decided to write about it. To help me get it out and in hopes that some other moms out there will find me and will no longer feel like they are all alone. When I decided to write about it I promised myself I would write all of the ugly, that I would not sugar coat it because that doesn't help people. In order for people to know they are not all alone I have to admit even my darker thoughts. And so I have added the byline up there because I want the moms coming here to find a supportive ear to know they are in the right place. I want people who are feeling that shame and loneliness to know they are not actually all alone.
I write about everyday, the good and the bad. No matter who you are, whether you are or are not affected by attachment issues I hope you will follow along this journey with us. I cannot tell you know whether or not we will be success story in fifteen years. I can tell you that we are going to try as hard as we can to be happy and to help our daughter.