Comments on Our Life Upstate: Semi-Attachment Parenting

Okay, okay!! Everyone calm down. I have a few thin...

2010-01-22T20:14:47.561-05:00

Okay, okay!! Everyone calm down. I have a few things to say. First, I want to be clear that I took Shaun's original comment to mean more of what she said the first time. Maybe that is because I ran a daycare for so long and so I could sort of envision the situation. Either way I did not see it as abuse and that is why I did not see a call to CPS as necessary. And so I understand that Shaun you felt attacked at being told CPS was being called to investigate you and I understand Maria your need to defend your sister.

With that being said I have to say that Kelly I am glad you called. Because, personally, I do not think people call enough. I think all too often people see abuse and do not call. It is CPS's job to sort it out (and honestly Maria your situation breaks my heart and I am sorry that it is not being handled better). I wish that people would call CPS whenever they think they see (or hear or read about) abuse. I think less kids would suffer that way.

And now I am shutting down the comments here. I think this conversation has gotten out of hand and off topic. Which I do not normally mind but in this situation it seems to be more of a fight than a healthy conversation so as the author here I am stopping it. Thank you all for reading and commenting and I hope you'll keep doing so.

You can be critical of our anonymity if you'd ...

2010-01-22T19:54:03.386-05:00

You can be critical of our anonymity if you'd like. Unlike you we choose to protect our children and our families a little better. It took me less than five minutes Shaun to get your name from your twitter as well as your state, your husband's name from your blog, and the exact part of the state you live in from a post your sister did on her blog. A quick search in white pages.com gave me your address and your phone number. There wasn't any question it was you as your name was listed along with your husband's as another living in the household. Less than five minutes.

Criticize us all you want. It cracks me up that you get so riled up over what a stranger on the Internet thinks of you. Anyone who was confident in their actions wouldn't be explaining themselves and defending themselves all over the place like you have been doing, especially to ap perfect stranger. You have changed your story, and it's written out clearly for anyone with a level head to see.

Maybe what you actually did do to this child wouldn't be abusive in the eyes of CPS, but what you boasted you did would be. I think in the original comment of yours you were just showing off. Showing us that you knew exactly "how to deal" with that kid. I merely wasn't impressed. The only people here twisting words is you, because you obviously didn't say what you meant in your original comment because you've pretty much taken back all abusiveness and have told a pretty different story now.

And LOL at Ashley T, she thinks I should have nicely asked for an explanation of what Shaun meant when she said she was positive she was unmerciful to a child. I really didn't think there was any confusion. I didn't know Shaun's comments came along with a "you better ask her to explain herself before you believe what she says" clause.

Wow, thanks to the wonderful web, and the power of...

2010-01-22T19:23:48.958-05:00

Wow, thanks to the wonderful web, and the power of being listed Anonymously, people get ridiculous. Just because a comment was made and without asking for a full explanation of what was said, you feel it is your duty to again "anonymously" report someone you have never met and don't know on a personal level. And to me, a CPS person who tells me that it MAY be abuse and MIGHT warrant a visit is trying to please you and get you off her phone. But that's just me I guess.

Thanks for the post Upstatemom! Very enlightening.

Aww..sis..I loves ya :D :D :D :D :D And K...go s...

2010-01-22T18:48:26.379-05:00

Aww..sis..I loves ya :D :D :D :D :D

And K...go shove it! I've so tried to be respectful while you all bashed me for something. When I tried to explain myself further, you all chose to ignore it and stay on your little bandwagon of hatred. SOO...K (who refuses to post her real name..) and pearly (also refusing to post your real name) you can stick your judgmental comments where the sun don't shine. You can ride off on your high horse and go judge someone else. God alone is my true judge, not you.

And Maria, This is my last post on this:) Yes Ma...

2010-01-22T18:35:30.242-05:00

And Maria,

This is my last post on this:) Yes Maria, the small town of P in which you reside does not have a CPS, nor does your county, but the next one over does. Furthermore, they agreed that a child put into a corner for an ENTIRE day completely isolated may be abuse and would necessitate a visit. Call them yourself and ask (they are not open tomorrow in your area, only emergency calls only---thought I would save you a call).

"But you took what she wrote and twisted it"
AGAIN HER WORDS, NOT MINE:
"When I first started watching her, she stood in the corner from the time she got here till the time she left." and "She stands in the corner completely isolated"

"I don't get why if your such a great mother that you waste how much time and effort into putting someone else down instead of doing great things with your kids."

I just repeated her words and said I did not agree. My kids are going places and they will be doing so in a happy, loved frame of mind.

"On top of that, how old are you? For some reason I fell you must be very young and immature."
Please let me repeat your OWN words back to you......."I don't get why if your such a great mother that you waste how much time and effort into putting someone else down instead of doing great things with your kids."
So why are you putting me down and not spending time with your kids oh great mother?

"This is like high school reading what you wrote. Its nasty and mean. Something that would be expected from a young teenager. Not an adult."

In my post was basically your sister's words. I do not see how I was mean and nasty. You are the one name calling and putting me down. Maybe you confused my words with hers?

K

She does not "isolate" the little girl, ...

2010-01-22T18:29:46.277-05:00

She does not "isolate" the little girl, She gives her time to think about her actions. So That is not neglect. Futhermore, She did not stand in the corner all day, it was a statement of how bad she was, and that she had a punishment for the negative behavior. Stop twisting it to create drauma in your life. I deal with CPS, allot! They only get involved when there is abuse. Not when some crazy person calls from a statement twisted on the internet is reported. Oh, Please when you call them undertstand that this is time wasted that could be used to help children that need thier help. Like for say ~all the children that are put around drugs, or kids that are victims of sexual assult, or kids that get beat so bad that they cant walk, or kids that need a voice~ See her kids are doing just fine. GROW UP! If you need someone to call CPS on, I will give you my kids moms name. Please feel free to call her. See she uses drugs, and has taken her kids on drug runs, well my list can go on and on. That is why they live with me and my husband. So leave my sister alone! She is a great mother!

"Are you kidding me? You called CPS based on ...

2010-01-22T18:19:27.904-05:00

"Are you kidding me? You called CPS based on a comment from the internet? Shame on you! This poor mother could end up investigated, embarassed and mortified just bcs you disagree with her use of timeout. I hope you never have to have your words turned back on you in such a manner..."

Sorry, but I will fight for the rights and well-being of any child. When someone says "When I first started watching her, she stood in the corner from the time she got here till the time she left." and "She stands in the corner completely isolated" well to me, that means that a child needs some help.

How would you feel if that was YOUR child that was completely isolated in a corner from the time you dropped her off until you picked her up? To me that is neglect and lazy parenting/babysitting.

K

Oh and to those that question the amount of time t...

2010-01-22T18:16:02.088-05:00

Oh and to those that question the amount of time that I have (and this is not meant as an insult to others), I do not even have an account on here. That is how little I post. AND I do not have a blog as say you do, Shaun.

Shaun, "You seem to have a lot of time on you...

2010-01-22T18:14:28.745-05:00

Shaun,
"You seem to have a lot of time on your hands. Perhaps you should go volunteer at a soup kitchen to burn some of your time."

I made one post (now two) and a call to the next county over from yours. That does not mean I have a lot of time:)

And oddly enough, as some on here can vouch for this, my dh and I are already voluntering this Sunday to help those in need.

In regards to the little girl, I would be giving her creative ways to engage her and release her energy and anger therefore eliminating some of her tantrums. "How to Talk So That Your Kids Will Listen and Lsten So That Your Kids Will Talk" is a great read.

K

This is Crazy! Shaun is my sister. If you only all...

2010-01-22T17:09:25.137-05:00

This is Crazy! Shaun is my sister. If you only all personally knew my sister you would know she is one of the best mom's ever! Her kids have great mother! I call her daily for advise on what to do. Yes, the little girl she babysits has allot of issues.(she is from a split family, this causes her allot of anger. She is to young to understand it all) Shaun has helped this little girl become more comfortable when herself. This little girl needs to have someone set boundaries, this way she can know what to expect and when. The little girl's mother is great full that she has such a wonderful babysitter!! And further more, Shaun don't live in a city. Plus if you Call CPS they would not tell you that is abuse. I deal with CPS weekly. My kids mom uses drugs. Guess what, My kids mom put duck tape on his thumb, and taped it to behind his back "so he could not suck it" That is borderline abuse. And if you had any type of intelligence you would know that "she stands her in the corner when she has done something that requires her to have a punishment." When Shaun said that "it was not to be taken litterly". Somedays after this little girls see's her dad(and that is only once a month) she acts out. She needs to understand its not ok to hit/harm another child just because she is angry. Shaun is teaching her how to deal with this situtation properly. To think and talk it out. This does require her to stand and think about it. Then her and Shaun talk about what has happened, and that there are other ways to work it out with out hurting someone else. One more thing, If you call CPS, understand were we are from is a Small area. Everyone knows everyone, so you will look like a fool doing so.They all know us over there, and know that we are good parrents! I could see if you personally knew that "she was abusing children you would call" But you took what she wrote and twisted it. I know my sister loves and is raising her kids to become responsible human beings. Someday they will grow to be something wonderful, because they had boundries. They understood what was wrong from rite. I don't get why if your such a great mother that you waste how much time and effort into putting someone else down instead of doing great things with your kids. On top of that, how old are you? For some reason I fell you must be very young and immature. I know that I spend my days, playing with my kids, talking to family and yes posting blogs! I can honestly say though This is like high school reading what you wrote. Its nasty and mean. Something that would be expected from a young teenager. Not an adult. Spend your time doing something worth your time, instead of waisting it on bashing a great mother, and my best friend. I am proud to say she is my sister, and one of the best moms I have ever seen!

To tell on yourself?

2010-01-22T16:03:46.111-05:00

To tell on yourself?

Are you kidding me? You called CPS based on a com...

2010-01-22T16:02:44.655-05:00

Are you kidding me? You called CPS based on a comment from the internet? Shame on you! This poor mother could end up investigated, embarassed and mortified just bcs you disagree with her use of timeout. I hope you never have to have your words turned back on you in such a manner...

Judge on Judgers! You clearly have nothing better ...

2010-01-22T15:32:07.854-05:00

Judge on Judgers! You clearly have nothing better to do. FYI: I'll be calling my local CPS in the morning :D

LOL the mention of CPS sure has the magical power ...

2010-01-22T14:37:01.117-05:00

LOL the mention of CPS sure has the magical power to change a story doesn't it?!

If a four year old isn't a small child who is? My 9 year olds must be XL children and my 11 year old must be a GIANT child.

Kelly--Perhaps you have misinterpreted my comments...

2010-01-22T13:50:05.448-05:00

Kelly--Perhaps you have misinterpreted my comments. Or perhaps I didn't explain them clearly enough. First of all, she's not a small child..she's 4 years old. She is old enough to understand right from wrong. The rules were explained to her when she started coming to my house. It was explained that if she threw temper tantrums, she would stand in the corner. If she hit, she stands in the corner. If she is disrespectful to me or my daughter, she stands in the corner. I refuse to bend the rules because she chooses to break them over and over and over again. She stood in the corner for 4 minute intervals, would get out of the corner, apologize, get hugs, and then do the behavior again. So, what is it that you all would have me do? I've asked before and so far no one has given me any pearls of wisdom. How would you handle the repeated rule breaking? If I give her a warning for hitting, and she does it again, receives a time out (or in the corner), and the behavior constantly repeats itself, should I just ignore it? Let her continue to hit me and my daughter (who is younger and smaller?) If my daughter breaks the rules, she gets the same punishment. It's not like I stand her in the corner for two hours at a time. And I should also mention that the corner isn't in another room. She is in the corner in the living room, or whatever room we happen to be in. You all seem so quick to judge me, but you have not stated what kind of parenting you practice. Or what kind of discipline you use. So, since you're all so dang perfect...enlighten me...tell me what to do. Oh, and Kelly, the mother of the child is aware of all that goes on at my house. I tell her, her daughter tells her, we have weekly discussions about everything. I'm not trying to hide anything. My children, and the child I care for are well tended. They are not beaten, starved or locked up. I don't do drugs, drink or smoke. I think your time and effort could be used to really help a child that needs it. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands. Perhaps you should go volunteer at a soup kitchen to burn some of your time.

Shaun, I went to bed ill last night thinking of yo...

2010-01-22T10:55:12.597-05:00

Shaun,
I went to bed ill last night thinking of your statement "When I first started watching her, she stood in the corner from the time she got here till the time she left." and "She stands in the corner completely isolated" Oh and "I'm positive that makes me "unmerciful." Then your comment to another questioning about you being positive about being unmerciful was "Have you never ever done something that may be considered less than stellar in the eyes of others?" Maybe I have been unmerciful in that my tone is not always the most gentle, BUT I immediately check myself on that and regret. The thought that you could put a small child in a corner "completely isolated" for the "entire day" and not at some point think that is wrong is scary to me. Her parents trusted you and that is what you do? So let me tell you what I am doing. I called CPS and read those comments to them and they agree that that is boderline abuse and that they would check into it if I could get all of your information. Oh and I called the one in your city:) That way I do not have to explain the whole story all over again. All I need is your last name, which I am working on. Care to share?
Thanks!
Kelly

I did not mean to imply the post was written to me...

2010-01-22T07:25:16.087-05:00

I did not mean to imply the post was written to me when I said I felt she ignored what I said.

To me, it felt like she had said something was x, y, z and I commented and said that it's more a, b, c and she wrote a note again saying it was x, y, z, like I had never said anything at all. Which is fine, she doesn't have to, but it does lead me comment and explain further if it is something I feel is important.

I'm not very wise on the history/dynamics/tech...

2010-01-22T00:37:54.585-05:00

I'm not very wise on the history/dynamics/techinical aspects of attachment parenting. I have never bought a book, and everything that I know is from doing research online. I have always considered myself to be a semi-attachment parent. I agree with certain aspects of it, but not all of it.

I totally understand where you are coming from when you say that sometimes you let your children cry. I do the same thing, and I may not even be in the process of doing anthing important. I think it's important to teach children some independance as well. I don't think it's right for a parent to cater to their children's every whim. Meaning, if I know my children are crying for no good reason, I will let them cry it out. I won't pick them up, pet them up or even do anything to insinuate that I approve of their "crying for attention" habit. Eventually they get over it and move on to other things.

I agree with you 100% when you don't give into Big Sister's tantrums. You would be sending her signals letting her know it's okay to throw a fit when she wants something or that it's okay to hit her mommy. And neither one of those actions are okay.

I feel as if you are not only being a fair parent, but a loving and "attached" parent as well because you are not only showing your children unconditional love but you are providing them with important life lessons and teaching them discipline as well.

Take care,
Shynea

pearly1979: I actually don't think that Upstat...

2010-01-22T00:17:17.544-05:00

pearly1979: I actually don't think that Upstatemomof3 was talking to you in the post... Going over everything that everyone has written, it simply looks like she was fed up with the church usher opening is big ol' mouth. That being said, I've read her posts and tweets, too. She seems like someone who is always willing to try something new when something is not working and, so, I'm sure has a good friend in you - someone who is not going to judge but is happy to offer suggestions from her own life that she has found to work well. Sometimes, people need to find their own path - they take those suggestions from friends, family (though maybe she won't be taking many of those ones), and anywhere else and come up with the style that is tailored specifically to them. Big Brother seems pretty amazing from what I have read and so I'm guessin' she'll work through the daily struggles, probably letting Hubby weigh in, too (when he is not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, or writing music). Me? I just want the lady at the grocery store to leave me alone about my kids feet... they're not cold!

Anon, and others- I am ok with other people parent...

2010-01-21T23:01:34.119-05:00

Anon, and others- I am ok with other people parenting differently than I do. I guess I have said all that I have because it frusterates me that the parenting style that I hold very near to my heart I feel is being misrepresented and misunderstood, and by someone who has been a good friend to me for a long time. It makes me feel like she has misinterpreted the parenting she has witnessed me practicing in person all this time. When she says that it seems like attachment parenting is just not letting your child cry, it makes me wonder if all this time she's just thought I have just been doing whatever it took so that my children don't cry. I feel invested in her understanding attachment parenting, because I want my friend to understand me.

I believe upstatemomof3 is some one who has expressed over and over again a desire to be more AP. That she doesn't want to yell like she does, that she wishes she had more patience. I have heard her say she just doesn't know what to do. I have heard her own doubts about the way to go about some situations. And this isn't anything I am privy too, it's on her blog and all over twitter.

If upstatemomof3 is content with her own brand of parenting then that is fine with me, and as I said in one of my comments I do wish that peace for her, but I know her well enough to believe that she's not. This isn't a criticism, and I honestly don't believe she would disagree. If she does disagree, then I have seriously misunderstood some recent conversations we have had.

There is nothing wrong with not getting it all right, (though some here like to ignore it) I have said that I know I don't get it all right. I would not claim to say my way is the best way, but if some one isn't happy with how things are going with their way then I am not afraid to make suggestions. I certainly am not trying to cause harm however you want to interpret my motivations.

I have lots of thoughts on all this and am current...

2010-01-21T22:31:40.342-05:00

I have lots of thoughts on all this and am currently writing a full post on them. However, I just want to make one thing clear. Peary1979 this post was not written in response to your comment. It was written in response to the comment I quoted. The one that assumed that because I was choosing to let her cry I knew nothing about attachment parenting. And that if I only read the book she would never have been in that situation. I am not scoffing at Attachment Parenting or Dr Sears. I am simply talking to my parenting philosophy.

While this is all fantastic reading, why can't...

2010-01-21T22:14:13.179-05:00

While this is all fantastic reading, why can't people understand and be okay with other people parenting differently than them. No two people parent the same way and, in my opinion, we are all screwing up plenty - what matters is realizing when we screw up and being willing to change, even when we are uncomfortable. There are books to read, friends/"cyber" friends to talk to, and lots of resources out there for those of us to look to when we need help. My kid has some things going on right now. I don't know quite what to do about them. Some of them are my fault. I could have done something earlier. But, I'm doing something now. Call it Attachment parenting, call it placating the Mother-in-Law parenting, call it giving in, call it an iron first, call it loving, call it harsh, or even unmericiful - if it works for my family, that is what's important and no one has any right to say otherwise.

I couldn't care less Shaun. My goodness, get o...

2010-01-21T19:02:25.643-05:00

I couldn't care less Shaun. My goodness, get over it.

Well, pearly..I'm sorry that you think that. Y...

2010-01-21T18:43:06.606-05:00

Well, pearly..I'm sorry that you think that. You'll never see the beauty that is my children. You'll never see my not quite 3 year old recite her alphabet, write her name, spell or read. You'll never see her baby sister laugh and giggle at the silly things her momma does. You'll never see the mother of the girl I baby sit for thank me for teaching her daughter that sometimes we don't always get what we want. You'll never hear my daughter tell everyone what a great mommy she has. You'll never hear all the people that compliment me because my children are so incredibly well behaved. Truly a loss on your part.

Shaun- I haven't seen her since all of this ha...

2010-01-21T18:37:04.733-05:00

Shaun- I haven't seen her since all of this has come up, the situation on the church in terms of AP/Non-AP/Semi-AP or whatever. I do very often share my opinion. She asks for my opinion, in fact the very comments section on this blog says "What do you think?" So really? She and I have talked about how to handle all kinds of situations.

I'm not sure why you care so much about what I have to say. Upstatemomof3 knows me and knows my heart, you don't, so I don't expect you to understand where I am coming from our where my intentions lie. I certainly do not have any interest in coming to your house and seeing how you treat the children in your care. I can tell from your "sunny attitude" and the "awesome examples" you have given that I would be disgusted.