I feel so guilty, Big Brother Baby. For two years I have not really seen you. I have not seen the things about you that were screaming out for help. I saw it more in your sisters - although, not enough - but I did not see it in you. I thought nasty things. I thought you were just a kid who threw fits. I thought you just had a little obnoxious in you. I thought you did not have a large enough capacity for empathy. I was annoyed that no matter how hard I tried to teach you you seemed incapable of learning to care for others. To speak respectfully. To do what you needed to do without throwing a fit. I really thought those things about you. And I am so so so sorry! I cannot say that enough. I will never be able to get over all the frustrated things I thought. All the times I worried myself sick over why I could not get you to "behave" or "mature" or whatever. They all came down to the fact that you were hurting. You were hurting and trying very hard to let me know. And I did not listen. I am so sorry. You will never know how sorry I am.
These last two weeks I feel like I have my son again. I thought you had outgrown the sweet little boy you used to be. But I was so wrong. You are such a sweet and kindhearted person. You are considerate. You are so smart. You are fun to sit and problem solve with. You always come up with the most fun and creative ways to solve any problems we come across.
And all of a sudden you are affectionate again. I thought you were getting "too old" for that. That will happen. There will come a day that you feel like you are too old to hug me or to hold my hand. I am so glad that day has not come.
I feel like I have missed all of this time with you. All of this time we could have been having fun together. All of this time we could have been doing all kinds of things together and we have not. We have been coexisting. I am just so sorry my little man. I am so grateful to have you back and I promise you I will not let you get lost again. I will not think misbehavior is you. I will recognize it for what it is - a call to help. I love you so much!