Rejection

Mikaela has started asking for Daddy to put her to bed at night. After a few weeks of that we have settled into a routine of Michael and I switching off - he does one night and I do the next. Sean and I work on our Lego project on my nights with him. It is a nice arrangement really because it gives each of us a little one on one time with each of them. That is good for them. It is good for us. 

The thing is, though, my feelings are hurt. I know they shouldn't be. I know that it is a GOOD thing that she wants Daddy. That she misses him because he is gone all day. She is growing up and understands her place in our family and the world. She understands that even when she spends time with Daddy I am still her Mommy and I still love her. No question about that. I also know it is normal for kids to go through stages where they shift their alliance and want more time with the other parent. I know all that and yet it feels like a sucker punch every time she pushes me away and wants to be with Daddy. 

I am used to being the one she wants. I always have been. So, it stings a little. I think that would be normal. I think I would feel a little rejection no matter what. But the rejection that I get from Makenzie (which is real) makes me feel rejection from Mikaela (which is not real). Makes me feel like I am totally and completely losing her. Makes me fear that she will hate me too. Now, I know it does not work that way. I know that Mickey and I have a strong relationship. I know we spend all day together. I know we love each other. I know. But there is a part of me that is reacting simply out of fear. From a completely emotional place. From the place where I have had one child reject me. Completely and totally. So, I fear it from the others. 

The pain of having your child reject you is like nothing else. There is no other rejection that cuts you to your core like that. When you love someone and they reject you it feels like you will never feel such pain in any other situation. It feels like the worst pain imaginable. But it is not. This pain is worse. This rejection is worse. It hurts your very core. It hurts the untouchable part of you that makes you feel you have some worth. If your own child can hate you that severely how can you have any value? That is the feeling. And that is what I fear when Mikaela chooses to hold Daddy's hand over mine. I know in my head I am being silly. But my core is shaking with fear that that rejection is coming again.