Adoptions are real. They are made up of real people. This means that they are both good and bad. This means that sometimes they are pure bliss and sometimes they are not. It means that each and every family is unique. It also means that there are no simple answers.
No one likes to hear about families like mine. We are the ugly part of adoption. We are family that gives adoption a bad name. We are the family that people hear about and stop in their tracks. When people talk about adopting they are told about families like ours. We are used as a cautionary tale. Someone will say, "You better be careful. I read a blog where the kid was a baby when she came home and at two she was attacking the new baby in the family."
Families with healthy kids are frustrated by stories like mine. They feel like we give them a bad name. I know because I used to be one of them. I used to hate any story that presented adoption in a less then perfect light. I have this wonderful son, who is perfect and great and I love and I would do anything for. Who I am so totally grateful to get to parent. It frustrated me to hear anyone question the wonderfulness of adoption. It somehow felt like their pain made my bliss appear less real.
The thing is adoptions are real. They are good and bad. Some families get nothing but joy and some get total heart ache. Most get something in the middle. Just like any other family. Our difficulty with one adoption does not make the pure joy of my other adoption any less real. It also does not make anyone else's adoption more or less wonderful.
Adoption can be a beautiful way to grow a family. Being informed is a good thing. Learn about attachment first. Before it is a problem for you. Know all the stories. Know the stories of bliss and the stories of pain. Adoption is real. It does not guarantee you a happy ending. It does guarantee you an ongoing journey that will have lots of ups and downs. The hope is that the ups are high enough that they counteract the lows. The truth can be said for any other way of becoming a parent. Adoption makes you a parent and from there anything can happen.
So true! Same cam be said for bio children.
ReplyDeleteI think it's so important to tell the truth. And I think also many carry the secret with their own biological children, but in adoption you must have so much more pressure.
ReplyDeleteSteph
Yes, it's probably true for life in general. We never want to admit life is not perfect, do we?
DeleteJust found your blog through Twitter. As a mom of children with FASD and attachment challenges, I can relate. I also think our families can inspire others to work through the tough stuff. We adopted our daughter because of a woman who came alongside us and said, "You can do this." Children need families that are aware and ready for the challenges... Well, as ready as one can be. ;)
ReplyDeleteI think that is very true. And it brings up a really good point. Families need to be prepared. Mine was not. Not at all. And now we are scrambling just to learn about the disorder and healing and how to get there.
DeleteI truly hope that one day my family will be in a good enough place that someone will get inspiration from us. I have said this before but I chose to share my story - and all the nasty honesty that goes with it - in hopes that other moms who are going through this will know they are not alone.