No One Gets It

The following is a conversation Michael had with his mother about a week ago. My point in sharing this conversation with you is to share how much no one else gets it. That unless you have a RAD child you just don't get it. You would think that Michael's mother would be one of the few people who had his back no matter what. That she would do her absolutely best to understand. Because she would know that her son is, obviously, doing everything to help Makenzie. But no. She does not get it. She is just as much snowed by Makenzie and her disorder as the average stranger. And if Michael's mother - the person who should love him and know his heart -  cannot understand, then who can?  The conversation started when my MIL asked Michael if therapy was helping. This was a text conversation and that is why I was able to copy and paste it here. 

Michael: At this point, there is no telling if what we're doing is effective because it really hasn't been enough time.

MIL: Is she still so unhappy? any good days? 

Michael: There are days when she chooses to scream, avoid interaction at all costs, and desperately tries to cause misery in those around her. There are also days when she is more willing to participate in life. In either case, she is not happy. The way that she acts simply has to do with how she is choosing to manipulate the situation. With RAD, there are no good days because she is either attached or not. There are simply days that are easier or harder to make it through. 

MIL: Do you trust this therapist is going in the right direction? 

Michael: If there is a way to help Makenzie then yes, we think that she has the right idea.

MIL: There has to be a way to help her. Just be patient. You work with special children. You know it takes time 

Michael: This therapist and others that we have spoken with are hopeful because she is so young. But children as young as 6 or 7 are already unfixable and it is a behavior management game where the parents are just trying to keep their other children from being hospitalized or molested. So, we are hopeful. But, we kind of missed the boat with 2 years of denial. 

MIL: She did not seem she was so unhappy and disengaged before. She is only going to be 3. Have patients. You have no choice. She deserves to be happy and able to cope. Is there anything we can do to help? 

Michael: She did. She always has, from the moment we picked her up. Kids with RAD fake attachment well, but we always knew something wasn't right. Everyone else always talks about how friendly and happy these kids are because they snuggle up to them, but once the mom and the child are without other adults all hell breaks loose. 

MIL: Good night. Its late

Oh my goodness!! She just does not get it. And it certainly feels like she does not want to know. And the accusation in "she deserves to be happy and able to cope" is so nasty. She deserves to be happy? Well, sure. We ALL do. And we are doing our absolute best to help her. But able to cope? Able to cope with what? With being in a family? With us loving her? Or is it she deserves to be able to cope with the fact that we are the worst parents ever? That we are just mean to her? Because that's what she seems to think. That we just don't like her and we are just mean to her. UGH!!!!

The other thing is that idea that a "good day," which I guess is defined by Kenzie acting in a happy way, means that things are better. It is so frustrating how often people think it is about whether or not she is screaming. Or disengaged. Or smiling. Or talking. Or not. Or any of that stuff. Being cute and sweet and engaging with everyone around (accept for mom) is one way of coping. Being completely disengaged and non-verbal is another way of coping. Either way things are not good. She is not attached to us. She rages when no one else is around. She lashes out. She pushes away from me as much as she can. And THAT is the problem. Life may be easier when she is not screaming but that is just us coping not her getting better.