Never Again

A few weeks ago Michael and I decided that we needed to respond to our children's cries differently. In recognizing that the other kids are truly affected by the things that are going on in our family we also need to recognize that we have to parent differently. That we need to recognize that they are experiencing high levels of stress in their lives. Which means that when something goes wrong they really cannot take it. They are not being ridiculous. They are bubbling over with emotion. And it needs to be addressed. It needs to be seen. It needs to be heard. We need to recognize that emotion. We need to help them cope with it. We need to let them know that that emotion is okay. That it is acceptable. That it is valid. 

For a long time we have met their cries with frustration. We have accused them of just "throwing fits." We did not recognize it as real emotion. We saw it as a way to get out of doing what they were told. We have said for a long time that Mikaela is just "prone to fits." We have wondered what in the world happened to Sean. He did not throw fits when he was younger and now he does. We have seen this as a sign of our own failure to be strict enough. Our own failure to have consistent enough rules and our failure to punish them severely enough when they do not follow those rules. But that is not the case. They do not need more rules or more punishment. They need more compassion. More love. And so that is what we are giving them. Never again will I let Sean or Mikaela cry without holding them. Without loving on them. Without giving them all the understanding that they need. 

Will they still have to clean up their toys? Of course. Will they still get in trouble sometimes? Of course. Will they still have rules and expectations? Of course. But never again will they have to deal with it alone. Never again will they be left cry and throw themselves around because the idea of cleaning up is too much for them. No, they can get hugs and love and affection until they are ready to do it. They can sit in our laps and get out the emotion. Knowing that we are there. Knowing that we care. Knowing that we recognize the things that are hard on them. Because that is what they need.  

I have seen it work already, too. I have felt the stress seep out of their bodies when I let them come and get hugs. I have seen them manage to think more clearly afterward. I have seen them feel better. Truly better. I have seen them change. Mickey has already started coming and saying. "Mommy, I need to sit down and get a hug and a kiss" when she feels upset instead of throwing a fit. Sean has come and snuggled with me more in general. Because they can. Because they know we see them. They know we  are there. They know we value everything about them. And so never again will I tell them to go through their fit where no one has to watch. 

Aside: For those of you who are wondering - I did not include Kenzie in this new mantra not because her feelings are not valid but because for her the only way to come down from those emotions is to get some time for herself. Her needs are different and so I will meet them differently.