Love Is .....

Love is a verb. I've heard that expression in lots of different contexts. Most commonly when someone says that just because a person says they love another person doesn't mean they really do. Love is a verb. If someone loves you they ACT like they love you. He treats you badly. He doesn't really love you. She is not there for you. She won't compromise for you. She doesn't love you. Love is a verb. 

Love is also a choice. I just told my sister that when we were discussing marriage. Sometimes love is a choice and not a feeling. That sometimes when you are married you choose to love the other person even when the feeling is not very strong. That sometimes that choice is the difference between a life together and a life apart. The feelings get lost in the everyday sometimes. They get lost behind all the little things. But if you choose to keep going they come back.

But what if they aren't there? What if the acts of love is all there is? What if the emotion does not follow? What then? Marriage always starts with love but motherhood.... motherhood doesn't. In my case motherhood decided with a decision. A decision to have another child. A second child. I decided I wanted more. I researched and I prayed. I planned and I dreamt. I filled out paperwork and I waited. I decided to have a second child. 

And then I was pregnant. With my second child. My second child was coming. What now? Do we go forward? Do we go for a THIRD child? We have enough love. Love grows the more people there are to share it. And so we move forward... that journey is a post for another time. We move forward and before that child is ever in my home I am totally in love. I am in love before I have seen the picture. I am in love before I have thought about this specific child. 

But when reality comes the love is .... lacking. First it is lacking from her. I have known the love was lacking from her for a very, very long time. I have known that her attachment was not there. And little by little my attachment to her has lessened. And the love? Well, if love is a verb then I must love her. Because I do all the things that she needs me to do. I work hard, everyday, at being her mom. At doing for her. At giving her more then I feel like I have. I do what needs to be done. I certainly ACT like I love her. So, if love is a verb I must love her. And everyday I choose to do what needs to be done. I choose to be there when she needs me. I choose to do the hard things. Even when I hate the things that need to be done I still choose to do them. So, if love is a choice then I must love her. 

But I don't feel it. I don't feel the same love. I don't feel for her the way I feel for the others. With Sean I just love him. I don't really choose to do it, I just do it. I do things for him (sometimes more then I should) because the love comes in and I want him to be happy. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to force myself to do it. I just do it. I love him. And it all comes together. With Mickey it's the same. Deanna too. I do because I can't help it. Love is active. Love is instinctual. Love is without thought. Love is all encompassing. Love cannot be denied. Love is..... just there.