It's No Good

From day one getting Mickey to sleep alone has been impossible. People complain that I don't let her cry it out. From day one Mickey has wanted to be held A LOT. People warn me if I don't stop she will NEVER outgrow it. When Sean was a baby people criticized the amount I held him. Or how much he wanted to be with me. People said I had better do something. If I let him latch onto me like that in his baby years he would never grow to be independent. Deanna sleeps in our bed. She nurses on and off all night. And I just bet you can guess what people say about that! Yup, I better stop it before she can remember she did it or she will NEVER sleep in her own bed. If I don't watch out she'll be one of THOSE kids who nurses until she is Gasp! A toddler!! Oh no!! :) 

Kenzie on the other hand was always a "good" baby. She slept by herself. As a matter of fact she happily went into a crib no matter how awake or asleep she was. She never asked to be held. Was always happy to be in a stroller. Never needed attention from us when she was playing. Never asked us to do anything with her. She happily played all by herself. 

For two years Mickey has fallen so short of being a "good" baby. Or even a "good" kid. She is too needy. She wants too much attention. She asks to sleep in our bed. When she wakes up at night and is scared she calls out for us. We go some place and she wants to sit in my lap or asks me to read a book. It frustrates even me. Kenzie on the other hand will play for HOURS all by herself. She never asks me to read her a book or to play with her. And everyone talks about how "good" she is. Everyone thinks she is the perfect kid. Who doesn't need anything. Who entertains herself. 

The thing is she is not the perfect kid. And Mickey is not a bad kid. But whatever. People can think what they want. They can all wish they had a "great" kid like her. Whatever. They don't know anything about our lives. However, the problem is that I didn't see it. I did not see the issues she has because she was a "good" baby. To be praised, To be excited about. To wonder at the amazement of how "good" she was. Because she was all the things society told me all the kids should be. And while I do know better. I know that it is not "bad" that Mickey does not want to lie down to go to sleep alone. I know it is not "bad" that if Sean has a bad dream he comes to find Michael and I and get hugs until he feels better. I know that just because they do these things now it does not mean that they will be incapable of living normal productive lives. 

In fact the truth is that they are normal. They are developing properly and when I meet their needs I am encouraging proper development. I know that and yet the things that society says about how babies "should" be still rang in my ears. And I let that keep me in denial. "No, nothing is wrong with her," I would say. "She is just a typical kid. Sean and Mickey are just needy kids. It's fine that she plays alone like that." 

The plain and simple truth is that babies, children really, are not independent creatures. They do not sleep alone naturally. They do not play alone naturally. They prefer to be held. They want to be close. And it takes us ignoring those needs, ignoring their cries, teaching them that we are not coming, to get them to accept doing things on their own. I used to think all the people who said that letting a baby cry it out changed their brain were crazy. But they are right. It IS changing their babies' brains. It is! And it is not good. It is not good to be teaching our children that we won't come. Or more than that - teaching them that they don't need us. Teaching them to be more independent then they naturally are is just no good. It screwed up my girl's brain. People ignoring her cries taught her that she is not safe if she relies on someone. People not holding her and not playing with her taught her that she cannot allow anyone in. That she is independent and that she does not need anyone. 

So, I say forget societies rules. They are SO wrong. And I will take a "needy" kid over an attachment issue any day.