I Was So Afraid

I don't even know what to say about last week's therapy session. It was both good and bad. She was better than I expected her to be. I was afraid of what she would say to us. I was afraid of what she would have us do. I was nervous that she would tell us to sacrifice the others. That since Kenzie's problems were so big that they mattered more then the everyday lives of the others. I was scared that when she said that Michael would jump on board and I would be left failing everyone. I was so scared of this I didn't even want to go. I  did not want to hear that at all. I knew I would not do that. That I could in no way do LESS for the others. And I was sure that she would say I had to. 

But she didn't say that. She did say that the other kids were being traumatized. That their behaviors are a sign of the trauma they are experiencing. That the fact that both Sean and Mikaela throw fits when things get to stressful is a sign of what they are going through. This was in some ways very very hard to hear. It is what I have known for awhile now but still very hard to hear. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want this to be affecting them. I want them to be okay. And it makes me upset to hear that they are hurting. They are so stressed it is seeping out of them. They can't handle it so much it affects their behavior. I hate that truth. It makes me feel so inadequate. 

On the other hand it was good to hear. To know it. To understand it. It gives me permission to do MORE for them. To prioritize them as well. To sit back and evaluate what they need. To realize that while consistency is good for all of them and will help the big kids don't need stricter discipline. They DO need more patience and understanding from us. They need extra hugs, extra kisses, extra love, extra.... just extra. They need us to be spending non-RAD interfering time with them. They need us to pay more attention. To listen better. They need us to make this less traumatizing. 

And so it is time to find a way to get that time with them. And so I am going to start getting a sitter for Kenzie one day a week and doing something with the other three. I don't know what we will do. Maybe we will do the same thing every week and maybe we will do something different every week. Maybe we will just go to the library and read books. Maybe we will go to the zoo or the museum. Maybe we will go to the mall. Maybe we will play at a playground. Probably some of each of those things. And more. But a break from the trauma will be good for them. Some extra attention will be good for them. Being a priority will be good for them. 

P.S. We were given things to do for and with Makenzie - I'm just not ready to talk about that yet. It's big and emotional and ..... I'm just not ready.