I have been thinking a lot lately about the things I did not see. The things I overlooked. The things that I should have known. The ways that this attachment stuff would have been easier to fix early on. I look back now and I see it so clearly. I really do. It was all there. If I only knew then what I know now we might have saved her. We certainly would have saved our family as a whole a lot of heart-ache. I will say in response to yesterday's commenter that I did NOT cause her problem. She had RAD when she got here. Maybe I could have helped sooner. Maybe I would have done everything that I wish I had done and it wouldn't have mattered. I don't know. I can't go back and change it.
However, I do want to say that I missed a lot. Right from the start. I also did not listen to my gut. So many things made me uncomfortable and yet I let other people (mostly my husband but the greater societal attitude as well) convince me nothing was wrong. I suppose it was mostly denial that made me listen. No one wants something to be wrong with their kid. It was easier to believe I was worrying over nothing. That the attachment would come. That I just had the "good kid" that everyone else thought she was. I mean even my husband did not see it. I must have been making it up. But I wasn't.
So, what should I have seen? Well, I should have seen that her refusal to fall asleep in the bed with us was a problem. I should have seen her hatred of being carried was a problem. I should have seen that her rejection of nursing was a problem. I should have seen that her HUGE preference for Michael was a problem. I should have seen that her rejection of me was a problem. But I explained each one away.
She wants to sleep alone because it's what she is used to. She sleeps so well. She never makes a peep. She's such a good baby. She prefers the stroller to a carrier because she wants to see everything. She likes to say hi to people. Isn't she cute? She's such a good baby. Nursing is much harder then bottle feeding. She likes her bottle. Look, she even holds it herself. She's such a good baby. She's a Daddy's girl. He finally has one that likes him best. That's so sweet. She's such a good baby. She's the kid everyone talks about. The one everyone tries to turn their baby into. She's such a good baby.
And with Mikaela I tried to force her to be who she wasn't. I tried to get her to sleep alone. I encouraged her to wean early. I worried constantly over whether I held her too much. So, I put her down a let her cry more then I should have. And then I learned. I learned to let her be who she was. To listen to what she was asking for. To be there when she cried. To stay until she was asleep. To hold her when she needed me. And so when Kenzie asked for something else I thought I was respecting her by giving her what she asked for. And so that is what I did. If I had known then what I know now I would not have listened to her. But I did listen. I respected her. Because I did not know enough to know that her brain was ALREADY damaged and she needed the exact opposite of what she asked for.
wow yesterday's commenter was awful. you are NOT to blame. i went and read your attachment post - you were trying the best you could to foster a strong attachment.
ReplyDeletei hope you see some results - however small or big - with the therapies that you alluded to that you all are going to try. good luck with everything, and keep writing.
we are in the process of adopting, and your blog is helping me in advance to be more aware of attachment issues. and i know you are helping others to feel less alone who are in a similar situation.
Thank you. I wish you the best of luck on your adoption journey.
DeleteI did not listen to my gut, I had this feeling something was wrong with my baby (I KNEW it), but I dismissed it, then it was overwhelming so I started to share it with my husband & my mom but after going thru the checklist : no fever, he is eating, going thru diapers,etc.. we all dismissed it again, but the feeling never went away,I kept looking for something..2 days later the seizures started, then he was put into a coma & we were told he most likely would not wake up from it.. I don't know if I showed up at the pediatricians & said there is something wrong with him - I don't know "what" but there is - if they would have found it. The attack going on in his brain was invisable to us. The seizures were the first outward sign,&by then the brain had so much unrepairable damage, the only hope was to try to stop it. 7 yrs later -Not only did they stop it, He did wake up, he has exceeded the expectations of the medical professionals who have treated him. We started with therapy at home when he was 3 months old- multiple times a week the therapists came to the house, I sat with him, holding him, working with him, learning everything I needed to do. I have spent hours researching, doing different therapies, buying special things for him, anything & everything I could to help him, He WILL reach every milestone/goal etc we have set (or I expect)while my other 4 kids watched, got jealous, felt left out, acted out, they have had to deal with his behavior issues, my exhaustion, my frustration, less of me.(and I do spend time with each of them -it has to be planned & its not as much as I would like but don't get me wrong- they do get attention from me) Resentment is not a strong enough word to describe their complaints, the looks I get & the way they treat their brother. The guilt it throws me into,I can't meet all of their needs,I can't. I read something 2 years ago that I think back to on my hardest days - most of the time it gives me a better perspecitve. "God knows you, God knows all about you, He knew EXACTLY what kind of mom you were going to be - He made you. He knows your energy level, your skills, the way you love each child, He gave you each child knowing EXACTLY how you were going to parent them. Just trust in him, follow him, lean on him, pray to him - He choose YOU for each one of his children".
ReplyDeleteAlso..One day while I was upset that my kids really are getting old enough to understand his special needs &when will they stop being so resentful when I have to give him this attention - God brought me back to a time when my youngest sister was having reading problems. I remember my parents getting her glasses (I absolutely was jealous she got to wear them - Now I wish I didn't have to wear glasses all the time :() I was jealous too that she got to go to the mall with my parents, eat at Friendly's etc - they loved her more I just knew it. Then she was diagnosed with dyslexia - so there was all the special reading classes, one on one time with my mom - I can remember it like it was yesterday - they loved her more (?) thru the eyes of 7 year old.. I watched my older sister also get special treatment due to a medical issues she had - mom & dad spoiled her (according to me at age 12) rotton - bought her all new clothes, she got to go stay at the hospital & then my Aunts - "Lucky" I thought.. I was humbled..I know how my kids feel - although I can't change Alex's needs- I am more sensitive to the other kids feelings and am really trying to include them more in his treatments (because they are old enough now to help & understand) God picked me to be the mom - He picked Jeff to be the dad - but He also put each child in our family to be a sibling to each other. Its all part of God's plan.. We are not alone - many families deal with similar situations - although ours is different then others there are some similarities. We are praying for you all :)