We are a hockey family. It defines us. It eats up a lot of time. Two days a week we all gear up - Sean in his equipment and the rest of us in all the warm clothes we own - and head to the rink. On a typical practice day we leave the house at around 4:30 and don't get home until after 7pm. On the weekends he typically plays two games per weekend. One of those games will most likely be an away game and often those will take us even further from home. So, hockey is a big part of our lives. Hockey mom is definitely a big part of my identity. Hockey dad defines Michael and all three girls are absolutely hockey sisters. We are a hockey family.
You would think this would imply that games and practices are fairly easy on us. Alas, this is not the case. Mickey has days where hockey is easier on her and days where it is more difficult for her. When Michael and I are clear and consistent with how much we read/play with her while at the rink it is easier for her. She tends to go back and forth between snuggling in Michael's lap and playing with the other kids. There are some other kids she likes better then others. So, depending on who else is there she can spend more time playing or more time sitting in Michael's lap. Kenzie, on the other hand, cries more or less every time we are there. Every practice and every game. She cries. And cries. And cries.
The other day we were at a game an hour from home. We had driven all the way to the game, gotten out of the car in the parking lot when we realized that we were missing Kenzie's coat. We happened to have a sweatshirt in the car. So, I grabbed that and put it on her. It wasn't perfect but it was a warmer (not meaning that it was warm just that it was not the coldest) rink and hey, the sweatshirt went all the way to her feet. So, her legs got some extra warmth. She was fairly amused at the sweatshirt. So, we headed into the game doing fairly well even with the misstep.
We sat down and watched the first period. I don't know if Kenzie had found something to focus on, if she was holding onto the amusement of wearing her dad's sweatshirt or if it was something else but she was holding on. She made it all the way through the first period without losing it. She was not happy (she rarely is) but she was chilling. She was just standing there staring at the game. I don't know if she was watching but she was looking in that direction. Standing there, not crying. And it was so pleasant to get and watch the game without her screaming. It looked like we might even make it through the whole game this way. She was not doing any attention seeking behaviors. She was not doing anything. She was just chillin'.
And then about halfway through the second period another mom from the team came up. I guess she could not take it anymore. I don't know. She brought a blanket over, wrapped her arms and the blanket around Makenzie and asked if we wanted to use her blanket. Michael, who was sitting closer to Kenzie at this point said no and pushed the woman's hands away. She repeated the offer of a blanket and this time directed it to Makenzie. When Michael said no again the woman put her face closer to Makenzie's and forced Kenzie to make eye contact with her. At which point Kenzie immediately broke down. Started to cry. As soon as she started to cry the woman walked away. Kenzie proceeded to cry for the rest of the game.
Plenty of people will say that the woman was just trying to help. I am more cynical I guess because I say the woman was just trying to make herself feel better. That she wanted to be the hero and give us a blanket and make our whole lives better. Because, ya know, it is that simple. But either way the truth is that what she did was hurt. She hurt Kenzie for the rest of the game. As it turns out for the rest of the day. Kenzie was never really able to come down off of that. She even had a harder day the next day and while I won't say that it was entirely this woman's fault she certainly did not help. But more than that whenever people come over, whenever they come and try to "fix it" they are reinforcing what Makenzie already feels. She already feels that Michael and I are incapable of taking care of her. She already feels that pretty much anyone in the world can do a better job. And when people come over and try to "fix" whatever they think the problem is at any given time they tell her she is right. That her parents cannot care for her and that she needs to try as hard as she can to get the attention of the adults around her so that they will rescue her from her evil parents that cannot take care of her.
So, BACK OFF PEOPLE!!! Back off! You are not helping. You are doing more damage. Do not try to pick my child up. DO not try to put her in your lap. Do not try to give her a cookie. Or a blanket. And ya know what? Don't just back off my kids and my family. No, back off everyone. You can't know when you offer that kid a cookie or a hug or anything else if you are doing more damage. So, just stop. Just back off (FYI - in my head that sentence has a few choice words added to it)!
I can see where you are coming from, I can see the helpful advice in the post. Those of us who offer help aren't always trying to be the hero. I do agree when your hubs said no she should have let it go.
ReplyDeleteIn the past several days, I have read your blog from start to finish. I found it while searching for ethiopian adoption blogs because I am in the process of adopting myself. I am so glad that I found it.
ReplyDeleteMy background is in Clinical Psychology. I know attachment (and RAD) from the therapist side, as well as from the parent side (8 year old adopted with attachment difficulties). But as a PAP, I read your story with my stomach in knots. I became more and more alarmed the more I read. The things that should have been done early on were skipped. Little Sister's needs were overlooked when she didn't (couldn't?) express her early needs as an infant.
It's not surprising that as an infant she was content to stay in her crib or play on the floor. It's not surprising that she was independent and not needy. In my opinion (and it's just that), the only reason Little Sister has attachment difficulties is because she did not get what she needed AFTER being adopted.
Early on, your writing exhibits a clear resentment toward her, which only grows as time goes on. You yourself even mention that the things that should have been done early on with her were not done because you were concerned about her fragile health and the other children. You dropped the ball, and it has had enormous consequences. The worst part is that over the past several years of writing, you can see Little Sister's RAD unfold. You hint in your writing that even you suspected it (at an early age, where it would have been much easier to resolve).
What has manifested most recently is this idea that Little Sister's "problems" are now at the root of any tantrums or anxiety that the other children have. Most of your pictures in the last year are of the other children. It's almost like Little Sister doesn't exist during some of these family activities (playing in the snow, for example). It is disturbing.
(continued)
ReplyDeleteI know what it is like to parent an untrusting, emotionally disturbed child. But I know (and I suspect you know this deep down too) that YOUR parenting since Little SIster coming home is the root of her attachment problems, which is a damn shame.
I am so glad that I found your blog because I think it's easy to overlook the importance of fostering attachment when you adopt an infant. I think many parents think that with a young infant, they can be a little more relaxed with the attachment stuff. Your story reminds us that attachment MUST be taken seriously, even with an infant.
I know how this is likely to be received. We don't like any suggestion that we might be to blame for our children's issues. I know that you will think/say that I am out of line in offering you unsolicited advice. I know these things aren't easy to hear and will make you defensive. I commented because nothing will change in your quest to overcome RAD with Little Sister until you accept responsibility for your contribution to her issues and realize that this is not an unlucky hand you've been dealt. Little Sister is the way she is because of what happened since her adoption (and before it, but you don't have any control over that portion).
She won't heal or improve until your approach changes. The clear preference toward the other children (snuggle time, baby wearing) is only hurting. You can try to blame this on HER, on her resistance to any and all physical contact, but the reality is that she is that way because it wasn't reinforced repeatedly after adoption and her exact resistance to it tells you how much she actually needs it. You can bet that she is aware of your resentment toward her and your preference for the other children, even unconsciously. Your most recent tendency to blame everything from marriage problems to another child's tantrum on Little Sister is only another thing that stands between you and attachment healing.
This is exactly why people think that adoption doesn't work. You and I know better, your son is an example to the contrary. But for better or worse, Little Sister is your daughter, and it falls on you to clean up the mess you've made.
I think some of your deep unhappiness/depressive symptoms are a result of overwhelming guilt. Accepting your role as a major player in Little Sister's RAD can only help you release that guilt and move in the right direction. We know that RAD can be healed. You are lucky enough to have a child young enough to make it a relatively smoother road than others.
Wow. Just wow. There are so many things you have going on here I hardly know where to start. I guess I will start with the fact that it is true that we could have done things to help. But to help is the important part. She had attachment issues from the start. From seven months of neglect in an orphanage. From seven months where she was literally left in the crib all the time. She came out once a day for a bath and then went back. But that's not the point.
DeleteWe were uninformed. We did not know that a baby as young as seven months old could have attachment issues, let alone RAD, which by the way is not the same thing. and since you claim to have a background in clinical psychology you should know that. We did not know what to look for. We did not know that she would "fake" an attachment to my husband while she rejected me. Should we have known? I suppose we should have but we didn't. For the first year and a half my husband did not even believe me that there was an attachment issue. He thought everything was fine. He did not see the issue. And so he and I fought. Constantly. Because I wanted to get help and he wanted me to stop thinking there was a problem and just be better. Thus we have had a very shaky relationship. Our marriage has been tested. Because of her? Well, because of her disorder.
The other kids ARE traumatized by the way she behaves. By the way she treats them. By the way she treats me. By the way their parents marriage has been tested. They are traumatized by the fact that they want to play with their sister and she lashes out at them. She hurts them. She screams at them. Life is stressful. More stressful then small children should have to deal with.
Do I feel guilty? Yes. All the time. I feel guilty for everything I cannot do. For lots of things I have done. For the things that I wish were different. If I could go back and do it again would I do things differentl? Absolutely! But I can't. I wish I knew then what I know now.
And I am sorry that my story no longer tells the joy of adoption. I hate that. I hate that we are people who will give others pause about adoption. Because I do know the joy. But I write REALITY here. OUR REALITY. I do it so that other moms like me will no longer feel alone. So that they will not only have voices like yours telling them they are not good enough. So that when they are so low and feel like the worst mom in the world because NO ONE else has every felt this way that I have. That they are not alone. That there is someone who understands. Because I have been there. I know how hard it is. I have been (still am most days) in a very low place. Because this is HARD. And ya know what? I don't know that RAD can be healed. I don't actually know anyone - in real life or online - that has healed RAD. People claim to be healed but when you read between the lines most if not all of the behaviors and issues are still there. So, no WE do not know RAD can be healed. Oh and as for pictures .... well, I don't generally like to take pictures of any of my children when they are screaming. So, I take SIGNIFICANTLY less pictures of Kenzie then I do have the others.
Thank you!!! My wife's depression or whatever you want to call it has it's ups and downs. Today, she was really feeling terrible. She was feeling so badly, in fact, that she actually compared herself to her own abusive mother. I mean, it was really bad. She was saying things that were, not exactly the same as, but similar to what you wrote in your comment and, no matter what I have said to her, she doesn't seem to be able to truly hear me. But, as if an answer from God, you come along. You point out all of this stuff (which, by the way, is insanely dangerous to say to someone in such an obviously dark and scary place as the mother of a child with RAD can be) that, as I wrote, sounds so similar-ish to things that my wife has been saying about herself. But, you know what? When you say it, you make it sound so... so... well, stupid. I am literally about to tell my wife that she should print out your comment or, at the very least, bookmark it so that, when she is feeling badly about herself as a mother, she can reread it and realize that it's a load of utter nonsense! I realize that this will come off sarcastically but, I assure you that I don't mean it that way - you absolutely did not mean to help but, I think that you really have... Thank you! Now, please excuse me while I throw a sheet of paper in my printer and grab a refrigerator magnet. - Hubby
DeleteYou know what guys, forgive my language, but fvck this cowardly-hiding behind an anonymous tag-commenter. Clinical psychologist my ass. Anyone in the profession of helping people should know better than to go out of their way to make a parent feel like that.
ReplyDeleteThe only thingsI know about RAD I know from reading your blog. It breaks my heart every time. I know how hard you worked just to adopt your kids. I see your blog for what it is, a way to get some of these feelings out there so they don't eat you alive. Bravo for being so brave. So some other mom who's kid won't hug her knows that she's not alone.
We're there things that you missed? Well, duh! You're a mom, right? I miss stuff every day. I have one kid! Every night I go to bed thinking I could have done more. Oh god, or done less! My boy is 8 and I put his laundry away for him. Am I babying him? Second guessing, guilt, and yeah....ugly as it is....resentment....I think a DECENT mental health professional would tell you that these feelings are normal.
Do yourselves a favor. Delete that mess. And don't look back.
You are good parents.
To all your kids.
Thank you.
DeleteI have been following your blog for many years now. I have watched the ups and downs and seen how you gracefully share what is happening with your family and life as you know it. You could sugarcoat or avoid talking about them, but you don't. You not only share because it gets it off your chest, but by putting it out there you are helping other parents.
ReplyDeleteParenting is not glamorous, adoption is not always perfect, and some words are not always nice to read. This is your space to do what you want and you never should have to think differently. Any real professional would NEVER come here and hide behind anonymous and bring shame to you. Each family, each child, each situation is always different. There is no text-book right or wrong. We live life with our families one day at a time and learn from our experiences. You have a lot on your plate and I applaud you for sharing this vulnerable spot with the world to learn and grow with you.
Hugs coming to you and Mike - you are both rock stars in my eyes.
Thank you! Your understanding and support is more valuable then you can know.
DeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteHow dare you! You don't know Edna or her family. You have read a few blog entries & became judge and jury. If you knew this woman & her children you would know how much she loves her children. Every single one of them. She is hurting, because of the RAD diagnosis & what it mean for her daughter now & in the future. She has always & continues to do everything in her power to love little sister and be her mom. You have no right to say what you did. If you are a clinical psychologist I pity your patients. However, I suspect you took 1 clinical psychology course & consider yourself an expert. You will help people more if you just kept your expertise to yourself unless asked. Your comments were rude, ill informed & just plain mean. I hope you never have to experience what this family has gone through. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I do however, hope that you are never able to adopt. It would be unfair to the child to be subjected to you.
Thank you my friend. Thank you.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of person (let alone someone who claims to be a professional in a helping profession) comes onto a blog and kicks a mom when she's down? Which class was it that taught you to insult and blame someone sharing her heart and struggles in parenting?
She admitted (bravely and graciously) that she missed signs. Why would your rub her face in that or use it hurt her? Do you think she did it on purpose? That she wouldn't undo it? If she wasn't a great mom than she wouldn't care. She'd go about her business which would probably NOT include being a stay at home mom or homeschooling her children.
You claim that you want to help, but you just come publicly insulting her. There's no help in that. What Edna is doing is helping. She's being honest and authentic and trying to heal her daughter. She should be applauded not condemned.
Just need to add my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAs a professional in the mental health field, anyone with any professional ethics wouldn't hide behind anonymity - feeling secure and confident in ones training and ability and desire to help (because that is, after all, the job) would leave full disclosure as the only option. Not only did this person behave rudely - they are an embarrassment to our profession. I am sorry that this coward chose to spout their baseless vitriol in this manner. I hope you continue blogging with the same level of honesty and integrity because there are so many of us walking this path and we need each other!
Screw you anon. Seriously, if you ever REALLY parented a child with an attachment disorder then you would know the level of guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, sheer terror, and feelings of utter failure and worthlessness that a RAD mom feels. To have someone just show up outta no where and hide behind anon and slam them like this could very well push someone over the edge from just a dark place to a place of no return. How DARE you think you have right to do something like that? How DARE you. My condolences to your patients...but my guess your "background in Clinical Psychology" comes from watching stuff on TV. So save your crap for someone who actually wants to hear your particular drivel. It's not welcome here.
ReplyDeleteEdna-hang on Momma. We are here for you.
Pam D