Plainly Inappropriate

I have put off blogging this event for a week because I am afraid of how what I say will come off. I do not wish to insult anyone. I want my outrage at this to be clear while still managing not to convey the wrong thoughts or feelings. Or perpetrating some common myths. However, I DO want people to know that what this woman did to me was unacceptable. Not that she did it to ME but that she did it to ANYONE. So, here goes...

Last weekend we attended Irish Fest. It takes place downtown and we love it. We go every year. There is music and lots of local pubs come out and you can buy some traditional Irish food. A lot of local Irish dance schools come out and perform. There are a bunch of kids things to do during the day - coloring, face painting, a juggler a balloon artist. It is just fun! Plus, we love the music so we stay and dance until the last band is done. We do this both Friday and Saturday.

Saturday night, shortly before the last band went on stage a lady approached me when Hubby took Big Brother and Big Sister to go get some ice cream for everyone. She walks up and makes a comment about how I have "a bunch of kids." This comment being in the "Boy you have your hands full" tone I immediately am on the defensive. "I have four," I said. To which she responds, "Does money ever get tight for you?" I look at her somewhat dumbfounded and in my head I am trying to figure out what it is that makes us look like we are in SUCH financial need that it is not insane for a stranger to come up and ask us this. I am guessing that it is because the kids all have short sleeves or sleeveless dresses. The day had been really warm but the evening was cool. But that is beside the point.

When I did not really answer her, I sort of shrugged, she said, "Because I am wondering if you might consider giving up the baby for adoption." And now I am stunned. STUNNED!!! I am more or less speechless. I must have glanced at Little Sister because the lady looks at her and says, "Oh did you adopt her?" "Yes," I say. She shouts to her friend to come on over and look at Tiny Sister. I turn my body around and refuse to look at her or speak to her anymore. I am so mad about this. I am so totally freaked out about this. I tell Hubby who turns around and said, "She wants to sell our baby."

Now, please understand I am not in any way saying that I am "too good" to place my child for adoption. I am not saying that I am better than a mom who chooses adoption for her child. Not. At. ALL. It is not about that. And now we get into the part that I am nervous about writing. See what she did was terrible! No matter who I am. It is inappropriate to ask a woman to give up their child. Period. End of conversation.

Obviously, I am grateful that Big Brother and Little Sister were placed for adoption. And I have no idea how that happened. But what that woman did - to walk up to a woman, regardless if she has a baby, a young child or is pregnant, and ask for their baby is inappropriate. Placing a child for adoption is NOT inappropriate but only the parents of that child can decide if adoption is the choice for them. And no one, not the families of that man and woman, or their friends, or any adoption professional they may have talked to or a stranger or anyone else should ever make a woman feel like they "should" or they "have to" place their child.

Also, people need to stop making assumptions about the "type of woman" who "gives up" their child. Just because a woman is young or does not have a lot of money or is single or is still in school or has placed a child before or has several other young children does not mean you should approach her about adoption. When someone you know does decide to place a child for adoption she deserves your support. She deserves your comfort. She deserves you to stand by her when the days are rough. She deserves you to be excited and happy for her when things are good. When someone you know decides to parent their baby she deserves your support. She deserves your comfort. She deserves you to stand by her when the days are rough, She deserves you to be excited and happy for her when things are good.