Not Okay

Lately I am having a hard time blogging at all. In some ways it is because I have less time. I have less time to read blogs and less time to participate in the things that are going on around the blog-o-sphere. But more than anything I am simply lost. I am simply out of it. Something is just not okay.

I feel a little out of it. I feel like I just cannot win. I feel like something is just .... not okay. Something is eating at me. I do not know what it is. It could be any one of a million things I suppose. But really there are always things in life that could be better. Day in and day out we all deal with small things that keep us running. And in truth I am very happy. The kids are awesome and Hubby is doing really well. The house has been relatively cleaned up lately and I have been thrilled with with how well all three are doing. They are learning and growing and developing and having fun. It is amazing and I love it.

But .... something .... is just ... not okay. And I do not know what it is. I do not know how to fix it. I do not know how to face this thing that I cannot identify. How do I make it all okay? And so I find myself not really blogging, not really talking, not really dealing with much. I mean we have been having an awful lot of fun and we have been getting together with friends and we have been doing all kinds of things that we love to do. But somewhere deep in my soul I can see that there is something. Something just not okay.
Posted on 8/04/2010 Labels:

3 Comments:

  1. Is there someone you can talk to? I find that when I'm the most 'not ok' is when I need a medication adjustment. I have a history of chemical depression so 'not ok' is a big flag for me personally.

    I also understand that similar feelings of disconnection can happen when there are thyroid issues going on. Might not hurt to talk to your doctor.

    Believe me, I know. Your post nearly made me cry because what you are describing is so much what I have felt before. Not saying it's the same cause for you because it might not be at all. But, if it is, it doesn't just go away. Assuming it is something depression-related, there are things that are natural that you can do to help as well if you aren't nuts about the idea of meds. Feel free to email me if you want to chat. I am quite the expert now, unfortunately.

    Here's the post I wrote when it got REALLY bad. Keep in mind that I also have an anxiety component so that makes it a little different. Still, hope it helps. http://www.minnesotajo.com/2009/05/depression-sucks.html
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  2. You probably know, because you read a recent post I wrote on this, that I can relate. I was musing about this a couple days ago to my neighbour and while I haven't come up with the answer (it's easy to just say moving is stressful and I'm having trouble settling) I unlocked a couple things. The last time I lived here I was a different person. I was single and going to university. In the last couple years I was really coming into who I was. I was taking pottery and herbalism classes. I was in some ways more in touch with my spirituality. Now I am married and have children. The things I do for myself come close to last. I think being here makes me miss the girl I was. I like who I am now, but it's almost as though I feel like I should be that former self here. That I should go hang out with my ex-boyfriend who lives kind of close by. (No, not the one who is missing). It would be so easy to fall back into my old life, but in doing so it would risk the life I have now. Which is NOT an option obviously. It's like trying to squeeze into your little black dress when you're pregnant. Not going to happen, even though that dress is still you. I'm just going to keep sitting with this whole thing, likely blog half as much like I have already been doing, not read or comment on blogs as much as I used to (I always feel so bad about this which is pretty silly since they say only 6% of readers ever comment anyway, so I'm already (and you too!) one of the good ones.)
    Take care and keep trying to figure it out. You may even know what the answer is but have it repressed. I've been guilty of that before.
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  3. I truly hope you can figure it out soon and resolve whatever it is.
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Thanks for your kind words! I love hearing from you.

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