Is She A Good Baby?

We have all heard this question. It is asked by our mothers, our mother-in-laws, our friends, our neighbors and even the strangers at the grocery store. And we all think our baby is the most perfect baby ever. I would guess that none of us ever consider our baby to be a bad baby so we probably do not really consider this question. We just say yes. We tell about all the "good" things our babies do. Or we just smile and say yes. Either way the question continues to be asked and we continue to give the standard answer.

When Big Brother was a baby I would smile with such pride and tell everyone about how "good" he was. He was sweet, quiet, slept well, ate well. I mean really he was the epitome of a "good" baby. So, I never ever thought about this question. I never considered it. I never thought about the implication in it. I had a good baby. Big Sister on the other had was none of the things associated with a "good" baby. She was loud. All. The. Time. She ALWAYS wanted to be held. I simply could not put her down and keep her happy. She took a long time to sleep well. She was a relatively happy baby but she needed to be held to be truly happy.

And so the question started to bother me. I knew what people were asking. And I knew the answer should be "No," but I certainly was not going to say that my child was "bad" or even "not good." So, I always said yes and resented the question. Because see I think she was a good baby. And now the more I think about it I think she was the best out of the three. Not in the way people mean but in reality.

See, Little Sister is a REALLY "good baby" in the eyes of people who ask those questions. She is generally quiet. She is pretty much happy to play on her own. For hours. She sleeps for 12 - 14 hours per night. She wakes up happy. She almost never cries. I say almost because she is starting to learn to ask for us. Sometimes she even goes overboard and will cry out the biggest, loudest, most heart wrenching tears because her hand accidentally comes in contact with a wall. She has no small cry. Only a the world is ending cry. It is heart breaking. It makes me wonder how many times in her life she cried and no one answered.

I think that she does not cry enough. She does not ask to be picked up and loved enough. I have to listen very carefully to her in the mornings. She will wake up and play for an extended period of time without asking to be picked up. And that SOUNDS like a good thing. But when she does eventually call, she is hysterical. She is crying that heart breaking cry that makes you think she is in horrible pain. I go running to find her lying there, looking helpless. I hate it. So, I go get her as soon as I hear that she is awake. I carry her and play with her even when she does not ask. I try to lavish attention on her.

Because of her I am beginning to think that a "good" baby does cry and cry often. A "good" baby asks for what they need. They do not just allow the world to happen. They sleep when they need it but they feel free to wake up and ask for you when they do. They know that you are going to be there for them at all times and so they have every reason to cry out to you for help. They are confident that you can fix all the problems they ever encounter and they expect that of you. A "good" baby takes care of themselves in this way. Because that is all they are really doing when they cry like that. They are communicating their need - and more often than not it is their need for love that they are communicating.

It makes me so sad to think about what it must have taken to have this reflex beaten out of Little Sister. And it makes me wonder about Big Brother. What was it like for him? Was he just easy going? He is sort of easy going - sometimes. And he did ask to be held and cling to us and look to us to make things better a lot more than Little Sister does. But significantly less than Big Sister does. I wonder if that is a difference in their personalities or if it has to do with the way he was cared for his first three months of life. The point is they are all good babies. All babies are good. Because even when they are doing what we consider to be "bad" they are really just taking care of themselves. And isn't that what we want them to do in life? Take care of themselves.