So, as promised I read The Attachment Parenting Book
by Dr. William Sears. And before I go any further I want to make a few things clear. First, this is not my first time being exposed to Dr. Sears. I have checked out his website a few times, I get his email newsletter (although, I only read it sometimes), and I own The Vaccine Book
. As a matter of fact it was on the advice in The Vaccine Book that I DID vaccinate Big Sister. Pretty much any and all vaccines are recommend for a trip to Africa. I thought the vaccine book was written very well. I thought it presented aa lot of information on both sides (not all the information on vaccines - that would be a much longer book). I liked that about it. It was not judgmental in any way.
So, I went into this book with high hopes. Not just because of that but the overall principles of Attachment Parenting I agree with. So, I anticipated finding the book to be easy and pleasant to read. Of course when I picked up The Attachment Parenting book I realized that it was not the same Dr. Sears that wrote The Vaccine Book. The Vaccine Book was written by Dr. Robert Sears. Who I believe to Be Dr. William Sear's son. So, I still anticipated the same fair attitude and presentation. In truth what I found was the complete opposite. I found a book that was difficult to read from the start. I found it to be kind of text bookish and that in and of itself made it difficult to read for me. I also found Dr. William Sear's attitude to be much more unpleasant from the start.
Unfortunately, this book I found to be very judgmental. At one point he actually says that if Attachment Parenting does not seem to be working for you you should get professional mental help (p. 111). Now it is where he is talking about balance and how even if you doing things like (gasp) put your baby in a crib for the first part of the night in order to give your husband some time you can still be an attachment parenting. And I think he was trying to say that if you just simply cannot find a balance anywhere then you might need help but that is not the way it came off. And really even the way he talks about putting a baby (happily, not crying) in a crib for the beginning of the night is fine IF your husband feels he needs more of your time is sort of condescending. It makes the husband sound needy when really I think that husbands and wives should be finding a way to get that time together. No one should have to ask for it they should just do it. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not saying that parents who co-sleep all night are not taking time for each other I am just saying that I do not think it should be a well if someone feels neglected then fine thing. I think it should be one of your priorities.
On page 23 he suggestes that attachment parenting promotes discipline. That "toys are stored in a such a way that cleaning up is easy and fun to do." Really? So, the fact that my kids do not think that cleaning up is fun makes me not an attachment parent. On page 19 he says "When you know your child well, you understand how things look to your child, and with this knowledge you can shape your child's behavior appropriately." And while that statement sounds great as a this is why you should do this type of parenting thing, it is actually a fairly dangerous statement. See in reading this book you get the feeling that attachment parenting is synonymous with good parenting. And when you read statements like that you think so when my child was misbehaving the other day and I had no idea why or what to do with him it is because I am not really a good parent. And that can get under your skin.
And once I started thinking about that I started thinking about the term "attachment parenting" and I realized how much I dislike the term. So, does that mean that everyone else is unattached from their children? That seems awfully harsh. Maybe I take those terms to have a deeper meaning because I have done quite a bit of reading on attachment. I have prepared myself for all types of attachment issues and difficulties before bringing both Big Brother and Little Sister home. So, to me the terms attached and unattached have deep meaning. Scary meaning. And I do not like the idea that this one way of being a parent is the only way to be attached to your child. Which granted the book does not actually say that but in dubbing his type of parenting attachment parenting Dr. Sears has said just that.
So, while this is not actually a review on attachment parenting so much. And most certainly not on the basic principles of it (those i pretty much agree with). It is a review of the book. And to be perfectly honest if I had read this book in between Big Brother and Big Sister I would have rejected anything and everything that this book says. Because Dr. Sears came off pompous and obnoxious. He seemed to be telling me that everything I did with Big Brother was wrong and that because of that he was (or should be) a bad kid. Hard to manage. Difficult to discipline. A child I did not understand (and okay, I mean the kid likes snakes I don't understand that but otherwise I feel pretty confident with how well I know him). A child I was not "attached" to and a child who was not "attached" to me. These things were simply not true.
Do I wish I had had a decent baby carrier when Big Brother was a baby and that I had practiced babywearing? Sure! He would have LOVED it. Do I wish I had succeded at nursing Little Sister? Absolutely!! Do I regret all the nights I sat in the chair in Big Sister's room trying to get her into her crib? Definitely! Am I glad that I was able to start bonding with Big Sister at birth? Of course! Do I believe that my babies are telling me something when they cry? Most definitely (as a matter of fact I have a lot more to say on that - come back tomorrow). Am I glad I breastfed Big Sister? Yes! I believe very strongly in the principles of attachment parenting. I just did not like the book. And after reading the book I find the name "attachment parenting" to be sort of scary.
And lastly, I would like to point out that the book really does not discuss the differences in a baby and a toddler. The book does not get into when a child's cries go from being I need something to I really want that and you said no. The book does mention that for the first six months there is no difference between want and need but aside from that it does not discuss this pretty major change. And I just want to remind everybody that this whole discussion all started because of an incident at church where Big Sister was throwing an I want that and you said no tantrum. A commenter told me to be more of an attachment parent because I was allowing her the space to throw that fit. but when I looked temper tantrums up on the Dr. Sears website I found that I was doing EXACTLY what he recommended. My only point being that I think the most accurate thing Dr. Sears said about attachment parenting is that it is about feeling free to follow your own instincts and that when we follow what feels right to us and not what some book told us to do we are giving our baby the best of ourselves.
by Dr. William Sears. And before I go any further I want to make a few things clear. First, this is not my first time being exposed to Dr. Sears. I have checked out his website a few times, I get his email newsletter (although, I only read it sometimes), and I own The Vaccine Book. As a matter of fact it was on the advice in The Vaccine Book that I DID vaccinate Big Sister. Pretty much any and all vaccines are recommend for a trip to Africa. I thought the vaccine book was written very well. I thought it presented aa lot of information on both sides (not all the information on vaccines - that would be a much longer book). I liked that about it. It was not judgmental in any way.So, I went into this book with high hopes. Not just because of that but the overall principles of Attachment Parenting I agree with. So, I anticipated finding the book to be easy and pleasant to read. Of course when I picked up The Attachment Parenting book I realized that it was not the same Dr. Sears that wrote The Vaccine Book. The Vaccine Book was written by Dr. Robert Sears. Who I believe to Be Dr. William Sear's son. So, I still anticipated the same fair attitude and presentation. In truth what I found was the complete opposite. I found a book that was difficult to read from the start. I found it to be kind of text bookish and that in and of itself made it difficult to read for me. I also found Dr. William Sear's attitude to be much more unpleasant from the start.
Unfortunately, this book I found to be very judgmental. At one point he actually says that if Attachment Parenting does not seem to be working for you you should get professional mental help (p. 111). Now it is where he is talking about balance and how even if you doing things like (gasp) put your baby in a crib for the first part of the night in order to give your husband some time you can still be an attachment parenting. And I think he was trying to say that if you just simply cannot find a balance anywhere then you might need help but that is not the way it came off. And really even the way he talks about putting a baby (happily, not crying) in a crib for the beginning of the night is fine IF your husband feels he needs more of your time is sort of condescending. It makes the husband sound needy when really I think that husbands and wives should be finding a way to get that time together. No one should have to ask for it they should just do it. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not saying that parents who co-sleep all night are not taking time for each other I am just saying that I do not think it should be a well if someone feels neglected then fine thing. I think it should be one of your priorities.
On page 23 he suggestes that attachment parenting promotes discipline. That "toys are stored in a such a way that cleaning up is easy and fun to do." Really? So, the fact that my kids do not think that cleaning up is fun makes me not an attachment parent. On page 19 he says "When you know your child well, you understand how things look to your child, and with this knowledge you can shape your child's behavior appropriately." And while that statement sounds great as a this is why you should do this type of parenting thing, it is actually a fairly dangerous statement. See in reading this book you get the feeling that attachment parenting is synonymous with good parenting. And when you read statements like that you think so when my child was misbehaving the other day and I had no idea why or what to do with him it is because I am not really a good parent. And that can get under your skin.
And once I started thinking about that I started thinking about the term "attachment parenting" and I realized how much I dislike the term. So, does that mean that everyone else is unattached from their children? That seems awfully harsh. Maybe I take those terms to have a deeper meaning because I have done quite a bit of reading on attachment. I have prepared myself for all types of attachment issues and difficulties before bringing both Big Brother and Little Sister home. So, to me the terms attached and unattached have deep meaning. Scary meaning. And I do not like the idea that this one way of being a parent is the only way to be attached to your child. Which granted the book does not actually say that but in dubbing his type of parenting attachment parenting Dr. Sears has said just that.
So, while this is not actually a review on attachment parenting so much. And most certainly not on the basic principles of it (those i pretty much agree with). It is a review of the book. And to be perfectly honest if I had read this book in between Big Brother and Big Sister I would have rejected anything and everything that this book says. Because Dr. Sears came off pompous and obnoxious. He seemed to be telling me that everything I did with Big Brother was wrong and that because of that he was (or should be) a bad kid. Hard to manage. Difficult to discipline. A child I did not understand (and okay, I mean the kid likes snakes I don't understand that but otherwise I feel pretty confident with how well I know him). A child I was not "attached" to and a child who was not "attached" to me. These things were simply not true.
Do I wish I had had a decent baby carrier when Big Brother was a baby and that I had practiced babywearing? Sure! He would have LOVED it. Do I wish I had succeded at nursing Little Sister? Absolutely!! Do I regret all the nights I sat in the chair in Big Sister's room trying to get her into her crib? Definitely! Am I glad that I was able to start bonding with Big Sister at birth? Of course! Do I believe that my babies are telling me something when they cry? Most definitely (as a matter of fact I have a lot more to say on that - come back tomorrow). Am I glad I breastfed Big Sister? Yes! I believe very strongly in the principles of attachment parenting. I just did not like the book. And after reading the book I find the name "attachment parenting" to be sort of scary.
And lastly, I would like to point out that the book really does not discuss the differences in a baby and a toddler. The book does not get into when a child's cries go from being I need something to I really want that and you said no. The book does mention that for the first six months there is no difference between want and need but aside from that it does not discuss this pretty major change. And I just want to remind everybody that this whole discussion all started because of an incident at church where Big Sister was throwing an I want that and you said no tantrum. A commenter told me to be more of an attachment parent because I was allowing her the space to throw that fit. but when I looked temper tantrums up on the Dr. Sears website I found that I was doing EXACTLY what he recommended. My only point being that I think the most accurate thing Dr. Sears said about attachment parenting is that it is about feeling free to follow your own instincts and that when we follow what feels right to us and not what some book told us to do we are giving our baby the best of ourselves.
I think that The Attachment Parenting book is really geared towards parents prenatally or ones parenting babies and young toddlers. For older kids, I like The Discipline Book (Sears) or Positive Discipline books (Nelsen)
ReplyDelete- Liz