On a post that I wrote last week someone said that if you feel like what you are doing with your children is the right thing no one should be able to make you feel guilty about that. And I could not get that out of my head. I kept running it over in my head. I kept wondering if I thought that was true. Can you be doing something, be sure that it is right and still feel guilty or be made to feel guilty about it.
I thought about how there were times with Big Sister when the fact that I was breastfeeding her and pumping for Little Sister got to be very hard. There were times when Big Sister had to work harder than she should have for her milk. There were times when pumping meant that I was not as available to Big Brother as I would have liked too. I could have been spending that half hour with him but I was pumping and so he had to play by himself. With a newborn in the house he really could have used my attention. I felt guilty. But I thought Little Sister would be here much earlier than she was. So, it seemed important. I thought (based on the info I had at the time) that it was necessary but that did not keep me from feeling guilty. And, truthfully, I feel even more guilty now. Considering that it was not necessary. But I remind myself that I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time.
And then there is Little Sister. She did not want to breastfeed - not at all. And I went into it knowing that that was a possibility. Being okay with that possibility. But there are people who told me that I should not allow for that. That I should not give her a bottle from the time I picked her up. Or to wait until she was used to me and then refuse her the bottle and only offer the breast. I tried offering her the breast. I tried in lots of ways. In the end it did not work. Well, no I gave up. She HATED it and even though I knew she might eventually do it (would eventually do it) I was not comfortable not feeding her. So, she gets breastmilk in a bottle. And I think it was the right choice. However, there are times I feel guilty. Times when I think if I had forced it she would be breastfeeding right now. And then I would not feel guilty that she is not a breastfeeding baby who gets all the benefits of the physical act of breastfeeding. But then there are times when I think if I had forced her would I feel guilty about that? I don't know the answer to that.
And lastly there is our nighttime routine. Little Sister drinks a bottle and goes right to sleep. She gets put down and she grabs her blanket. rolls over, closes her eyes and is asleep in less than a minute. Big Sister, however, does not go to sleep so well. For her I have to sit in a chair with her for 20 minutes or so to get her calmed down enough to go to sleep. She wants me there. And so I give both of them what they want. And that IS the right choice. But that still makes me feel guilty sometimes. Sometimes I feel like Little Sister is not getting the same treatment that Big Sister is. That Little Sister gets the short end of the stick because she is not loud and crying like Big Sister is. I know that the truth is she is happy this way and therefor it is the right thing to do. Because ultimately I am meeting HER needs, not my conception of what she needs. But still the guilt rears its ugly head sometimes.
I recently discussed this guilt with a friend on twitter and it was that conversation that got me thinking of how we can be sure we are doing the right thing and yet still feel guilty. We doubt ourselves. We question. We wonder what would happen if we did it the other way. We try our best. Sometimes, after the fact we know we would have done things differently if we knew then what we know then. For instance, if I had known when Big Sister was born that Little Sister would not come home until Big Sister was 15 months old and not nursing anymore I would have waited to start pumping until Big Sister was done. I had no way of knowing that at the time but if I had somehow I would have made a different choice. I guess my only point is that guilt is not necessarily a reason to change what you are doing. I suppose guilt is a reason to rethink and make sure you still believe you are making the right choice but it is does not necessarily mean you are doing the wrong thing.
I thought about how there were times with Big Sister when the fact that I was breastfeeding her and pumping for Little Sister got to be very hard. There were times when Big Sister had to work harder than she should have for her milk. There were times when pumping meant that I was not as available to Big Brother as I would have liked too. I could have been spending that half hour with him but I was pumping and so he had to play by himself. With a newborn in the house he really could have used my attention. I felt guilty. But I thought Little Sister would be here much earlier than she was. So, it seemed important. I thought (based on the info I had at the time) that it was necessary but that did not keep me from feeling guilty. And, truthfully, I feel even more guilty now. Considering that it was not necessary. But I remind myself that I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time.
And then there is Little Sister. She did not want to breastfeed - not at all. And I went into it knowing that that was a possibility. Being okay with that possibility. But there are people who told me that I should not allow for that. That I should not give her a bottle from the time I picked her up. Or to wait until she was used to me and then refuse her the bottle and only offer the breast. I tried offering her the breast. I tried in lots of ways. In the end it did not work. Well, no I gave up. She HATED it and even though I knew she might eventually do it (would eventually do it) I was not comfortable not feeding her. So, she gets breastmilk in a bottle. And I think it was the right choice. However, there are times I feel guilty. Times when I think if I had forced it she would be breastfeeding right now. And then I would not feel guilty that she is not a breastfeeding baby who gets all the benefits of the physical act of breastfeeding. But then there are times when I think if I had forced her would I feel guilty about that? I don't know the answer to that.
And lastly there is our nighttime routine. Little Sister drinks a bottle and goes right to sleep. She gets put down and she grabs her blanket. rolls over, closes her eyes and is asleep in less than a minute. Big Sister, however, does not go to sleep so well. For her I have to sit in a chair with her for 20 minutes or so to get her calmed down enough to go to sleep. She wants me there. And so I give both of them what they want. And that IS the right choice. But that still makes me feel guilty sometimes. Sometimes I feel like Little Sister is not getting the same treatment that Big Sister is. That Little Sister gets the short end of the stick because she is not loud and crying like Big Sister is. I know that the truth is she is happy this way and therefor it is the right thing to do. Because ultimately I am meeting HER needs, not my conception of what she needs. But still the guilt rears its ugly head sometimes.
I recently discussed this guilt with a friend on twitter and it was that conversation that got me thinking of how we can be sure we are doing the right thing and yet still feel guilty. We doubt ourselves. We question. We wonder what would happen if we did it the other way. We try our best. Sometimes, after the fact we know we would have done things differently if we knew then what we know then. For instance, if I had known when Big Sister was born that Little Sister would not come home until Big Sister was 15 months old and not nursing anymore I would have waited to start pumping until Big Sister was done. I had no way of knowing that at the time but if I had somehow I would have made a different choice. I guess my only point is that guilt is not necessarily a reason to change what you are doing. I suppose guilt is a reason to rethink and make sure you still believe you are making the right choice but it is does not necessarily mean you are doing the wrong thing.
5 Comments:
Thanks for your kind words! I love hearing from you.