Prepared to Fail

So, I am ready. I have spent the last two weeks pumping MORE (cause ya know I had extra time in my day - yeah right!). I have increased my milk supply to a point where I think I am comfortable. I think I will have enough milk for Little Sister when we arrive in Ethiopia. I have purchased a nursing system in order to help her learn to latch (and on a side note I thought a nursing system was going to be really expensive but it was less than $20 so if for whatever reason you feel you need one just know it is really cheap). I have read everything I can get my hands on and I have talked to everyone who has an experience with this.

One mom I spoke to said that she has nursed several children she adopted and each of them took to nursing fairly quickly. Time frames from one week to one month I believe - with the older babies taking longer. I spoke to one mom who said that she will refuse to give the bottle when trying to get the new baby to nurse. My local La Leche League agreed with that. They all said that when the baby gets hungry enough they will nurse.

This concept does not sit well with me. Now, I get that if I give Little Sister the bottle whenever she refuses the breast (which she is likely to do when I first offer it) she will most likely never try. But the flip side of that is that the other way she is not eating. And I cannot see myself being willing to starve her. I cannot see allowing her to be hungry all day in hopes that she will eventually take whatever I offer her. That seems unfair.

It is because of this advice that I finally bought the nursing system. Because with the nursing system (which for those of you who do not know is basically a bottle with a tube stuck in it that you position next to your breast so that as soon as the baby sucks they get something - additionally you can put the formula they are used to in it and so at least that will be similar) I can give her a little more encouragement. I can make things a little more familiar. Additionally, I think I can position it so that I can get the formula flowing into her mouth first and make her more likely to attach and give this new looking thing a try. After all, her food will be there.

But I am prepared to fail. I am prepared for the fact that she may not want anything to do with it. I am prepared for her to cry and push away and just want her bottle. And if she does? I will give her a bottle. I will fill it with breast milk and I will still feel that I am giving her the best that I can. Some people think that in being prepared for that I am causing it to happen. That I am not willing to do the work. But the thing is I think that any gains that can be made by breastfeeding will only be counteracting the fact that I had to starve her to do it (if that were the only way to accomplish it - I am not saying it will be just that I am prepared for the possibility). Little Sister needs to know that I am going to care for her. That I will meet her needs - and she needs that more than she needs to breastfeed.

So, I hope that I can see when to try. When to push a little. And when to give up. I hope that in being prepared to fail I do not walk away from it too soon. I hope that in wanting in her to do it I do not try to hard.I hope that I will know what my daughter needs most of all. I am prepared (I have worked hard to be prepared) to breastfeed her. I am equally prepared to fail. And I think I am okay with either outcome.