Don't Ask Me

So at this point last year I was 38 weeks pregnant and I was ready for Big Sister to be born. I was sure she was coming any day now. My mom had always talked about how I had been two weeks early and how all eight of my grandmother's children came two weeks early. So, I just knew that Big Sister was coming at the 38 week mark (for those of you in your first pregnancy I warn you now - this is a BIG MISTAKE :P). Just to ensure that I was right at 37 weeks I started doing all types of things to help things along (including pumping four times a day).

I guess that at the same time as I was very anxious for her to get here so was the rest of the world. Because just as the days were getting harder, just as I found myself crying (can we say hormonal?) over her not coming yet, just as I was beginning to think she might literally spend the rest of her life inside of me, family began calling. And I mean calling. Daily. "Did the baby come yet?" "How are you feeling?" "What does the doctor say?" and so forth. Do you know how many times I considered saying "Yup. She came last week we just figured you did not need to know." "I feel like if she does not come soon I may lie down in my bed and cry until she does. " and "I have a midwife, Stupid!!" It got to the point where Hubby and I stopped answering the phone. People yelled at us and told us that "we just want to know everything is okay." To which we responded with "if everything is not okay we will call you. Please leave us alone and let us be." Well, we are there again. We are avoiding the phone. People are not calling daily because it just does not work like that but "have you heard anything yet?" is the first thing everyone asks when they call. And I just do not want to have to talk about it.

We went to court on Tuesday and we did not pass. Something that had to happen for us to pass did not happen. So, we were rescheduled for today (Friday) and once again that thing did not happen. And now everything changes. The thing is apparently not going to happen. The person responsible for that thing is no loner available. Our agency is working on it. They have a plan - a either this or that will happen next. And yes, I am well aware that I am being annoyingly vague I am doing so to protect Little Sister's privacy. One day this will all be her story and hers alone and I do not want it plastered everywhere. And no I will not give you anymore details - not if you are a friend - be it a blogging friend or an IRL friend - and not if you are family. This is all you get. The one exception to that is if you are a famiy adopting from Ethiopia than her story might help you and if you need help you can feel free to email me and I will be happy to discuss it all with you.

Our coordinator spoke to Hubby today (she informed him she was very glad she did not have to talk to me) and said she would call again later or tomorrow (although I am wondering if she meant Monday) to let us know what is going on. Basically as soon as she knows. I wonder if she will call him or me. I almost think she may not call me again until she has good news. :)

I do not know what to think and I do not know what to do. I cannot look in her room right now. I cannot think about her without crying. I feel so tired. And the worst part about all of this is I knew it. I have known for weeks. Not really known but felt it in the pit of my stomach. I especially knew it when I spoke to our coordinator on Tuesday. I specifically asked what would happen if this happened. And I was told that she had never heard of it happening before. I suppose that should have made me feel better but even then I told her, "it is going to be us." And so now we wait and try to live our lives in the meantime. And so do not be surprised if you call and I do not answer the phone. If you email or tweet me asking about Little Sister do not be surprised if I do not answer you. It is not that I do not appreciate your concern because I do (and your continued prayers are worth more than you can ever know) but I cannot do it anymore. Just like this time last year I could not live everyday having to discuss five times a day the fact that Big Sister had not exited my body yet, I cannot live everyday and have to discuss - even once - that we are not yet on our way to pick up Little Sister. I promise to let you know when I have news to tell.