Time Is Flying! Or Is It?

Everyday she is getting older. Everyday she is learning new things. Everyday her view of the world is forming. Everyday she smiles, she laughs, she eats, she sleeps, she lives. And I am not there to see it. And that is really hard. I miss her. Every day. At random moments I think about how she is or what she is doing. As I go to bed I think about how she is just waking up (seven hour time difference) and probably eating. When I pump I think about how she is getting a bottle, filled with formula, fed to her by someone else - the last part being the part that breaks my heart.

I wonder if she rolls over yet. I wonder if she is trying to sit up at all. We have a few pictures of her in a bumbo chair - she seems to like it. Maybe we should get one for here too. She has her fingers in her mouth in lots of the pictures we have - I was insistent that both of the other two do not suck their thumbs - I wonder if she will. I wonder what size clothing she wears. I wonder what makes her smile. I wonder what makes her sad or scared. I wonder what she feels like in your arms. Is she lite and calm like Big Brother? Is she fuller and squirmy like Big Sister? Or does she have an all new way of filling someone's arms? All things a mother is not supposed to wonder about her baby.

I wonder who she is and I wonder if she knows inside her heart somewhere that we are waiting for her. Big Brother says that when he was in Heaven with God he picked us to be his family - so maybe she did too. Maybe she knows we are coming. But I doubt she knows how much my arms ache for her or how when I see a picture of her siblings together I just know that someone is missing (do you see it? The space for her? It is right there in the middle). How I feel the emptiness of the space she should fill up.

Hubby is in a better place than I am with this. He knows how small of an amount of time this really is. He knows that in the end this time will fly by and it will be only an instant in her life. He knows that we have it so much better than so many others (okay, I know that too - even when I am throwing myself a pity party). He points out that while she is not home and in our arms she is also not sick, she is not hurting, she is growing and she seems happy (she is smiling in lots of her pictures). He knows that it does not really matter in the end and that even if we are hit with another delay she will be with us soon.

I am trying my best to follow his lead. I am trying to realize that this is not as much of a mess as it feels like it is. I am letting go of my frustration - or trying to. I am placing the situation in God's hands (it was really already there - I am just placing my worry). I am praying that we are not hit with another delay. I am praying that she come home to us soon. But I am also thanking Him for her. Just for her. For who she is and how well she is doing. For bringing her into our lives and while I cannot bring myself to be thankful for the time it is taking her to come home I just have to remind myself that no matter how much time it feels like in the end it will only be a blip.