So, do any of you ever wonder why I sign things Upstatemomof3? You know I have two children - Big Brother and Big Sister - so how does that make me a mom of 3. Some of you know. I know you do, but stick around and hear out the rest of my thoughts. Some of you may think I am pregnant (I'm not). Some of you may wonder if we lost a baby at some point (we didn't). But most of you have probably never really thought about it. Never even noticed. That's okay. I picked the name for me not you. Oh, the answer - we are in the process of adopting (so any time I talk about Baby that is who I am referring to).
This adoption process has been long. It started almost two years ago. We were attempting to adopt from Vietnam and it didn't work out. So, once Big Sister was born and we had the go ahead from our agencies (homestudy and placement) we re-started the process for Ethiopia. Things are moving - slowly but they are moving. When we first got on the waiting list in December we were number 16 for a girl and number 10 for a boy. Now we are number 4 for a girl and number 5 for a boy. So, we can expect to receive a referral sometime in the next month (or two or three) but ultimately this has been a very long process.
None the less I consider myself the mom of 3 kids. The two I have here at home and the one who is coming. Is this ridiculous? Some people think it is but as soon as I become pregnant I considered myself the mom of two (well, actually three since we were in process and I already thought of myself as having two but you get the picture). And no one thought that was ridiculous. No one thought it was over the top for me to think of this child as on their way. So, why is it so crazy to consider this baby a definite? Why can I not count on their arrival to come sometime in the (relatively) near future?
So, where am I going with this? Well, for my birthday my MIL bought me a Pandora bracelet. Which in and of itself was kind of an odd present since I do not wear jewelry (as in the only things I wear are my wedding and engagement ring) but that is a story for another time. So, anyway, she gets me this bracelet and on it she got two charms - a boy and a girl. For Big Brother and Baby Sister. It kind of hurt. How could I wear this thing? I am not just the mom of a boy and a girl. I have a baby out there somewhere. Back when I was pregnant before I knew if the baby was a boy or a girl she would never have bought this thing for me. And how could she not know that? How is it that she does not understand?
I was upset. I complained to Hubby and I got angry and then I put the silly thing in a drawer and tried to forget about it. You see I use the name Upstatemomof3 because it is a constant reminder to me that this baby is coming. That I am not forgetting about them and going on with my daily life. And it is a way to announce them to the world, similar to the announcement a pregnant mom's belly makes. So, I most certainly could not wear this bracelet that advertises my status as the mom of two - a boy and a girl.
Then yesterday she gave me a mother's day present. Two charms for the bracelet. Two birthstones - Big Sister's and Big Brother's. Well, I could not even look at them in front of her. I quickly stuck them in the bag and put them away. And when we got in the car to come home I had to fight back tears (I won - mostly). I was so distraught. This process has been so long. It has been so hard and I am ready for my baby. I am ready for the world to recognize what my heart recognizes - that I have three children.
I am tired of waiting. I am tired of having no answer when people ask when we will be bringing our baby home. I am tired of the silence when no one knows what to say because I am hoping the baby will be here by this date or that date. Mostly, I am just tired. And a little broken. I want my baby. And I kind of want to throw that bracelet over a cliff. It is a daily reminder (because I see it in my drawer daily) that no one else recognizes this baby as real.
This adoption process has been long. It started almost two years ago. We were attempting to adopt from Vietnam and it didn't work out. So, once Big Sister was born and we had the go ahead from our agencies (homestudy and placement) we re-started the process for Ethiopia. Things are moving - slowly but they are moving. When we first got on the waiting list in December we were number 16 for a girl and number 10 for a boy. Now we are number 4 for a girl and number 5 for a boy. So, we can expect to receive a referral sometime in the next month (or two or three) but ultimately this has been a very long process.
None the less I consider myself the mom of 3 kids. The two I have here at home and the one who is coming. Is this ridiculous? Some people think it is but as soon as I become pregnant I considered myself the mom of two (well, actually three since we were in process and I already thought of myself as having two but you get the picture). And no one thought that was ridiculous. No one thought it was over the top for me to think of this child as on their way. So, why is it so crazy to consider this baby a definite? Why can I not count on their arrival to come sometime in the (relatively) near future?
So, where am I going with this? Well, for my birthday my MIL bought me a Pandora bracelet. Which in and of itself was kind of an odd present since I do not wear jewelry (as in the only things I wear are my wedding and engagement ring) but that is a story for another time. So, anyway, she gets me this bracelet and on it she got two charms - a boy and a girl. For Big Brother and Baby Sister. It kind of hurt. How could I wear this thing? I am not just the mom of a boy and a girl. I have a baby out there somewhere. Back when I was pregnant before I knew if the baby was a boy or a girl she would never have bought this thing for me. And how could she not know that? How is it that she does not understand?I was upset. I complained to Hubby and I got angry and then I put the silly thing in a drawer and tried to forget about it. You see I use the name Upstatemomof3 because it is a constant reminder to me that this baby is coming. That I am not forgetting about them and going on with my daily life. And it is a way to announce them to the world, similar to the announcement a pregnant mom's belly makes. So, I most certainly could not wear this bracelet that advertises my status as the mom of two - a boy and a girl.
Then yesterday she gave me a mother's day present. Two charms for the bracelet. Two birthstones - Big Sister's and Big Brother's. Well, I could not even look at them in front of her. I quickly stuck them in the bag and put them away. And when we got in the car to come home I had to fight back tears (I won - mostly). I was so distraught. This process has been so long. It has been so hard and I am ready for my baby. I am ready for the world to recognize what my heart recognizes - that I have three children.
I am tired of waiting. I am tired of having no answer when people ask when we will be bringing our baby home. I am tired of the silence when no one knows what to say because I am hoping the baby will be here by this date or that date. Mostly, I am just tired. And a little broken. I want my baby. And I kind of want to throw that bracelet over a cliff. It is a daily reminder (because I see it in my drawer daily) that no one else recognizes this baby as real.
I understand. There are many people in this world who say or do things with their own agenda. To her, maybe it is looking too far ahead to be a reality, but to you it is already a person who is part of your heart. May the wait not be long, may you have faith in the perfect plan. And soon enough MIL will be back at Pandora's finishing off that bracelet properly for you!
ReplyDeleteI have an insensitive mother in law and so feel like I understand how this is making you feel. For starters, if it were me, I'd put that thing in a much more remote place than your drawer. If you don't want to get rid of it entirely, I'd put it somewhere you won't see it (ever...or hardly ever) and maybe will even forget where it is.
ReplyDeleteAnd what I would put in it's place in your drawer is a special reminder to yourself of your precious baby on the way. Congrats in advance to you and I'll be thinking of you and your family!!!! :)
Awww mama im all teary for you! :( I think you should put that bracelet in the bottom of your underwear or sock drawer! Then when your baby is in your arm you can go straight out & get some charms to represent him or her! FWIW I have always thought of you being a mom to 3 & have known for awhile that you are waiting for your sweet lil one to come home from Ethiopia! I have prayed that the lil baby make it safely home to you but will add an extra prayer that he/she makes it into MIL heart! I am so sorry! MILs suck!
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes people are cruel with out realizing that they are being cruel. It totally sounds like something my mom would do, but not to be mean. She would, I hope, add that there is another charm or two coming when the new baby arrived. It IS a nice bracelet, so maybe stick it up somewhere and when you finally get your confirmation, call you MIL and tell her the gender and birthdate of the baby. Tell her that since she was SO kind (eye roll) as to get you things to represent the other kids, you're sure she won't mind getting you the same things for the new little munchkin. In the meantime, put the darn thing in a box, and bury it in the backyard! HA!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, and it's totally not ridiculous to categorize yourself of a Mom of 3. Or Mom of 2 and One On The Way...but that's sort of lengthy. Stick with Upstatmomof3, and if people don't like, well, too bad! :)
Just remember where that all came from. Keep that bracelet put away and when baby does get here, hand it back to MIL and say can you get my third charm for me!! Nothing more, I think she will get the point.
ReplyDeleteMy cousins who are waiting just like you (remember, I told you about them?) think their baby will be here by Christmas. Praying for your baby to be here by then too!!
xox
I am so sorry. I know what it is to wait a really, really long time. (I'm in the China line right now. Need I say more?)
ReplyDeleteSometimes my emotions get the best of me during the wait. And sometimes people do or say things that I consider insensitive. Put that bracelet away for a bit... soon enough your MIL will be purchasing two more charms for it.
And then it will look beautiful when you wear it.
It can be tricky dealing with a MIL like that - and I would know. Perhaps you can just give her the benefit of a doubt and trust that she means to buy the other 2 charms as soon as the knows the gender and birth month of baby. In the meantime, maybe you could pick out a charm that represents the upcoming unknown baby and wear it on the bracelet? When people ask about the bracelet, then you could share the upcoming baby's arrival.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your feelings are ridiculous at all. Have you or your husband ever talked to her about how you already feel like a mother of 3? If so, I think that's very insensitive of her, especially to continue the gift over a period of holidays.
ReplyDeleteAh mama - feeling for you over here. It is very hard when people don't understand where you are coming from, but you know in your heart that you ARE a mom of 3 and soon so will the world.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is sort of like your mil, just based on your tweets and your post. (Fortunately, my mil is a saint...guess it balances out!) I know it would never occur to my mother to purchase a charm for a mama bracelet for a baby that wasn't actually there right in the house, and some people are just like that.
ReplyDeleteThat she has given you pieces of the bracelet over a period of holidays might just mean that she already has your birthday/Christmas/new baby present already picked out.
I think the suggestion that you get a charm for your Heart Baby (the one in your heart, not yet in your home) is great. And if she asks about that charm, just tell her it will look beautiful with the gender/birth month charms for the Heart Baby.
And some people just don't 'get' adoption. They don't understand how emotionally invested the parents are before they meet their Heart Baby. It's such an awesome and huge thing that sometimes they can't wrap their brains around it. Lucky for you, you're surrounded by people who *DO* get it. Hang in there.
My sister and her husband waited almost a year for their daughter from Korea. They received pictures every once in a while from the foster mother and we rejoiced over their daughter they were waiting for. That baby out there is yours already now, which makes you his or her mom now. I'm sorry your MIL is causing you pain; perhaps she will understand someday. But for now, just know your feelings are justified and you are a mom of 3!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your MIL makes you feel like that. How sad for her that she does not get to experience the joy and anticipation during this "paper" pregnancy of the upcoming arrival of her third grandchild by you and your husband. Apparently the idea of being paper pregnant is lost on some people. My sister is also currently adopting from Ethiopia and her MIL constantly asks if they are still thinking about adopting even up until the month they received their referral. (Which was like two weeks ago) That child is yours whether he/she is in your tummy or in another country.
ReplyDeleteI pray the rest of your wait goes quickly and you can hold your child soon!!
This just broke my heart with you and made me grieve with you, not because I don;t believe this baby is coming (if God put the desire there He will be faithful in bringing it to pass) but because I know that it is painful for you. I have friends that long to add a baby to their brood of 6 and she has been going through the process for 3 years. Do I understand the hardship? Probably not, but I do hurt with you and long to rejoice with you when the day comes that baby #3 is placed in your arms! Do not grow weary of hoping and loving that baby, what a testimony to tell him or her how much they were loved without being known yet!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that your mil was being so insensitive, has your husband mentioned anything to her? Like some of the other posters mentioned, I would put the bracelet somewhere else less visible.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear the news that your new little one is on his/her way into your arms! :)
Gwenn
i am going to hope that your MIL is just dim as bad '80s mood lighting.
ReplyDelete*hugs*